How To Survive A Heartbreak

How To Survive A Heartbreak? This podcast episode will explore this topic in more depth.

It’s hard when someone you care about hurts you. How could someone break your heart and why would they do this? What did you do in the situation that may have played a part in this? These are the questions and many more that may run through your mind. In this episode, we discuss key points in helping you heal through a heartache which include but is not limited to being vulnerable and honest about your situation, reaching out to the right people to talk to about your heartache, and understanding the importance of growing out of the same vicious cycles in your relationships.

How To Survive A Heartbreak Podcast Discussion:

1. Not setting a timeline on healing to avoid hindering the process
2. The importance of knowing the difference between good and bad advice
3. Going through the five stages of grief

Kira is my co-host for Season 1, she is a recently furloughed flight attendant, current stay at home mom, and former hairstylist. She has committed her time to helping people on the ground all around the world, learning how to be a better ally, and making change in her communities. Originally from New Jersey, she resides in Texas with her husband and very active toddler.

What are your thoughts from the show?  Please share in the comments.

Mentions on the show:

Beyonce: LEMONADE The Album

Transcript Below

Femme Parler Podcast is learning and growing every single day. We aim to uplift all marginalized voices both on this podcast and in real life. Please note that we are always striving to change the problematic language that society has internalized in us. Thank you for your patience as we aim to strip certain phrases from our vocabulary. Thank you. 

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Surviving a Heartbreak Podcast Transcript

Transcripts are the conversations from the podcast which may contain a few errors/typos.  It can be difficult to catch all errors, especially if two people are speaking at the same time.  Please enjoy the conversation and if you have any questions email us at feedback@femmeparler.com

Season 1 Episode 05

Sherley [00:00:07] Hello, everyone, welcome back to Femme Parler Season one, Episode five, where we are unpacking opinions and changing destinations. So this week we are going to talk about how to survive a heartbreak. I know we all have said, why could you do this to me or how could you do this to me? What did I do? Those are the questions that run through everybody’s mind when they find out that their significant other cheat on them. In this podcast, I’m going to focus on key points to help you through a heartache and learn how to heal. Stay tuned.

Sherley [00:01:14] All right. So today we’re going to talk about how to survive a heartbreak. And as you all know in this podcast, when we talk about heartbreak, we’re talking about specifically cheating and what ends up happening after you cheat on your partner or your partner cheats on you, whichever way it goes. The first thing we’re going to say is why you should know the difference between good and bad advice. And the reason that I say that is because when you find out that your partner cheated on you, it’s definitely going to be very shocking.

Sherley [00:01:49] Many emotions are going to be running through. There’s going to be the feeling of denial, the feeling of sadness, the feeling of anger. Those three are definitely going to take over before the other ones at that moment in your life. What you’re really going to want is you’re going to want somebody to talk to. You’re going to want a shoulder to lean on. On top of dealing with this crisis situation that has just been presented to you, it’s also important to know who to get advice from, because in this delegate situation that you are in, it’s important that you don’t speak to everyone about it because no one everyone doesn’t need to know what you’re going through. And everyone does not have good advice to offer whoever you decide to speak to. Know how grounded of a person they are, know their background, know where they’re coming from, and know also if they’re going to give you a biased opinion. You know, even us as adults, you always stop and think there are certain things that I’m going to share with my parents and certain things that I’m going to not. And, you know, it might not be that way. And everyone’s in everyone’s family. You know, you may have a mother or father who’s a therapist and you may always go to them for advice. But it’s always hard for a parent to not be biased in their opinion, because they’re always going to shift one way. So you always have to make sure you talk to that friend. That’s not going to be negative towards your significant other, because that’s not what you want to hear. We don’t want to hear bashing for you or for you or for your significant other you. You want good, solid advice because you don’t want so much advice that you’re on advice overload, which you just want to make sure you go to the right people. I had said, I think in episode one, that if I can turn back time, there were definitely certain people. I may have not shared as much information that I shared it with. Not looking at it negatively. Just more of the advice they had to offer me was not good for me. And that time that I was in my life, the person you’re speaking to also have to understand your very delicate. They have to be mindful of their choice of words, mindful what you’re asking them. Like I said, there was one friend that asked me, do you think he’s going to cheat again?  I mean, I’m a level headed person. I know how to even I think in a state of shock, I’m always processing everything that’s told to me. So at that moment in time, I know I just said, I don’t know. It’s not that I want him to it’s hard for me to answer that question. And we just moved on with the conversation. But you have to be mindful of your choice of words, of what you’re asking somebody. You asking that person that simple question of do you think he’s going to cheat again? How do you expect that person to answer you? We you both already know the answer to that. Does anybody ever want their partner to cheat on them? No. So don’t ask me that question. Ask me something else, because that’s just not appropriate. And the answer has nothing to do with why I’m speaking to you right now.

Kira [00:04:49] Right.

Sherley [00:04:50] So, you know, and I guess what’s your viewpoint on that about when it comes to good and bad advice? And do you feel or do you agree with me? Do you feel as though that there are certain people based on certain situations, I guess, that you should speak to and you can speak to?

Kira [00:05:06] Yeah, I definitely agree and think that there are certain friends that I can talk to about very personal things and be vulnerable with and know that they will give me, you know, sound advice and wisdom, you know, not from a place of just beating down the other person, because that’s not really what you want to hear either. If you’re in a situation where your partner husband cheated on, you don’t want to hear them, just bash them the whole time. It’s like I need help with how I’m feeling. Like this is not about what you think of them right now. When you were talking, I was thinking about it. Do you think, like, it’s better to get advice from someone who’s been through it, or is it better to get advice from someone who hasn’t experienced it? Do you think that the person who’s been through it, their judgment is going to be clouded or it’s going to be more clear because they’ve already walked through.

Sherley [00:05:54] It when you share your opinion with someone based off experience. I do believe that it’s always going to come from a genuine place. And they know what they’re talking about. Interesting you say that because at the time when I was looking for a therapist, counselor, someone to talk to, I had asked myself that question, how is this counselor and this therapist really going to help me if they haven’t experienced anything like this in their life? Are their opinions only going to be based off of books?

Kira [00:06:28] Textbook answers.

Sherley [00:06:30] Textbooks answers and things like this, just like being a mom, being in a relationship, any crisis that you may go to. There’s no textbook answer. People make decisions that are best for them.  I mean, people we all know there have been books written and I am the biggest advocate of any self-help book. I’m willing to read because I always need a little help to help me look at things differently. But there’s no concrete, perfect response when you go through this.  As for me. That is something that is important to me. And luckily enough, I was able to find a therapist and are counselor, their counselors that had both been cheated on and both they were both victims and both perpetrators. So it helped with the advice that they were giving me because I took that as genuine advice that I can imply into my life and some of their tactics that they shared with me. So that is something that is important to me and that makes it hard when you’re looking for a counselor. Now, these counselors that I went through were very transparent and I respected that about them because they weren’t acting snooty or you know what, this is my professional business. My personal life stays out of it. I’m not asking for you to share your personal life with me.  One simple word. I understand what you’re going through, being right handed on,.

Kira [00:07:53] Right.

Sherley [00:07:54] I have cheated. That’s it. I’m not asking you to divulge all your personal information to me.

Kira [00:07:59] Right.

Sherley [00:08:00] Yes. To me, it is important that whoever I’m getting that advice from whom you can truly relate because it makes the conversation different. Not saying that someone who can’t relate do not have good advice to offer, because I can’t say that there are some people that are very wise beyond their time. Even if they haven’t experienced something, they do have good information to provide you. I guess that’s why I honed in on. Be mindful of who you speak with.

Kira [00:08:28] Right? Right. I’m not opposed to, like you saying, taking advice from someone who hasn’t been through it. But that’s where we go. Back to your point of understanding who you can talk to and who you can share this very vulnerable and private, you know, moment with.

Sherley [00:08:43] Exactly.

Kira [00:08:44] It’s also embarrassing for me. It’s it was embarrassing. I didn’t want people to know that that happened to me.

Sherley [00:08:51] It was very embarrassing. In the beginning, very, very embarrassing.  And you you find information about this online. But I feel like what I was looking you don’t find first of all, OK, you find information about infidelity online all the time. There’s so many different things that people have written, so many viewpoints. My situation, especially when you have infidelity with the child being born. It was like dead, I could I think I had found one piece of information because, number one, it’s not talked about. Why? Because after the situation, it’s hard for someone to hold their head up. They feel shamed. Of course. Humiliation, embarrassment. What is society going to think? What are my friends going to say? If I decide to stay with him? How is everybody going to look at me? I’ll tell you, every podcast that I talked to, none of that shit matters. At the end of the day, it’s about what you choose for your life and what you’re comfortable with, because look at the bigger picture. Regardless how well you’re doing, how well you’re not doing, somebody’s always got something to say about you. I mean, I know somebody listen to the podcast now. Look at her like she know. Keep on scrolling. Don’t listen. So that’s just how I feel. It’s just it’s just you just have to accept that negativity is going to be part of life and sometimes being humiliated. Don’t allow yourself to see anything through anybody else’s eyes but your own.

Kira [00:10:18] Yeah. And be careful who you give access to.

Sherley [00:10:22] Access, this is very important. Who you let into your life what you share. And as long as you’re comfortable sharing it, what anybody else has to say, because you also have to remember, that’s why we have to learn to agree to disagree in life. Every decision I make, you will not understand. And you may not be comfortable with it, but you do have to respect it.

Kira [00:10:41] Right.

Sherley [00:10:42] Still to this day, there are people like how are you possibly surviving? Because I’m making it work for myself. It should not operate how your life works. For any decision that I make. And that goes for everybody. But, you know we are beyond nosey and we make it seem like everyone’s decision of how they choose to live and conduct their life is inconvenient for you. How is that even possible? But that’s how we are as humans.

Kira [00:11:11] Or that you need to know all the details behind the decision or why the decision was made.

Sherley [00:11:15] And and what we need to understand is we may not yet. That person may explain it to you two, three times. And you still looking at them like how? Why? It may be something that you will never wrap your head around. You can’t understand everything in life. Sometimes you just can’t. Especially when it’s someone else’s life choice of what they choose to do.

Sherley [00:11:36] Is it really for you to understand or do you just need to be respectful of how they choose to live their life?

Kira [00:11:42] There’s friends who do a lot of things that I don’t agree with.

Sherley [00:11:45] I’m right there with you and you know what.

Kira [00:11:47] But that’s your business. That’s your life on that.

Sherley [00:11:50] It doesn’t affect how I go through my day today. No. You know, and if I’m that opposed of it, rather I follow you on Facebook or Instagram. Guess what? Maybe I should unfollow a block. But it’s wrong for me to bash you for it.

Kira [00:12:05] Yeah. I’m not going to do that. i.

Sherley [00:12:07] It’s just uncalled for. I just don’t choose to entertain it. It doesn’t. I just don’t choose to entertain it.

Kira [00:12:14] I do think when we’re talking about getting good and bad advice from someone, I do think for me, as someone who is consistently the advice giver, often that it can get to the point where it is exhausting when I’m giving you advice about the same thing over and over and over again.

Kira [00:12:35] So there’s a other flip side of that coin where you’re asking for this advice from someone to your being the person who’s giving it. And like you also have to protect your space in your piece, in who you’re giving access to you, because at some point it’s so draining, going through the same situation with the person, going through the same stuff over and over, giving the same advice over and over and over. It’s like, OK, well, how many times are we gonna have this conversation?

Sherley [00:12:59] The one way I will answer that is remember I told you my one friend back in episode, this was all in episode one. What she had said to me and she this is why I’m telling you that, like, when you have a friendship, it’s you have to be able to be comfortable enough with your friend to tell them anything. You need to tell them rather good or bad. Even though if it’s something, you know, that’s going to disappoint them. And she laid it out to me perfectly. She wasn’t disrespectful. And, you know, I think because I always rationed things. So, I was a good friend that she can say it to, because things like that are important for me in my relationship. I need you to be truthful with me if you are always telling me what I want to hear.

Sherley [00:13:40] I really need the question that I’m making it sound more like fluffing cupcake.

Kira [00:13:44] Remind or remind me what she told you.

Sherley [00:13:46] She said, Sherley. I’m always gonna be here to listen to what you have to say. But I want you to remember that I’m not going to have all the answers for you. Sometimes I may not even have something, anything to say. Listening is not a problem. I could do that. But I’m not going to have the answers that you’re looking for. You need to pray about it.

Kira [00:14:05] Yeah.

Sherley [00:14:05] And I can not respect that any more. Yeah. Because a lot of times that’s what they need. They want someone to listen to them even if and when you read in between the lines. What’s she saying is is I may tell you the same answer over and over again when you come present the same problem to me over and over and over again.

Kira [00:14:25] And I don’t want to hear it over and over. Maybe that makes me a bad friend.

Sherley [00:14:30] NO, But I have respected I’ve respected how she said it.

Kira [00:14:32] Right.

Sherley [00:14:33] Because she knows that I’m here if you need me, Sherley. But you’ve got to understand, I’m not going to always have the answers.

Kira [00:14:38] And she said it with love. She did.

Sherley [00:14:40] Yeah. Yeah, I know. So how she said it was, like, perfect. I mean, of course, if you’re not a praying person, they may not add that line in there. However, your friend wants to break it to you. But that’s the honesty you need in a friendship, because even though, you know, they go through something anyway, she takes that one little statement so personally. How strong was your friendship to begin with?

Kira [00:15:04] Yeah, that’s true. I guess I guess you don’t want to be hurtful and then you don’t want to, like, make them feel abandoned.

Sherley [00:15:11] That’s why at the end I always say voice yourself because. But he’s always. Why do you feel as though you’re being hurtful? You see, I met Frank here. I want that from. I want to hear that from you. If I’m pissing you off, you need to come. Or if I say something, you don’t like to express that to me. Like I.

Kira [00:15:30] I’m working on it. Oh, OK.

Sherley [00:15:32] It’s so you you kind of keep it within and then you kind of say like I want to hear that where you said on the phone like you. Yeah.

Kira [00:15:40] Yeah. I’m sitting on. I’m, I’m saying on the phone like how many times in my head like how many times am I gonna have to hear about this. Not from a place of like just annoyance, but from a place of like you’re not growing, you’re not learning, you’re not getting better because you keep falling in this same cycle.

Kira [00:15:57] I don’t have anything left to give you with this situation, and it’s draining for me to sit here and have to listen to it over and over again.

Sherley [00:16:03] But you’ve never told them like my friend told me?

Kira [00:16:06] Well, me not in that way. No. I mean, I have said, like, I don’t really have anything else to offer you right now. I think I’ve said everything I can say about it. I’ve said that. Yeah. I mean, let’s go.

Sherley [00:16:17] If you continue to push her way, she’s going to think of you negatively.

Kira [00:16:22] No, I know us in another situation. I definitely set a clear boundary where it was like, I can’t talk about this anymore. So that when I did. But in another situation, I haven’t been as clear with it. I need to. But back to the point. Getting good and bad advice, I just felt like that kind of falls under it because the advice givers get tired. Yeah, I think I’m getting tired of being the advice giver.

Sherley [00:16:49] Absolutely right. Advice givers are getting tired. And I guess, you know, it’s OK to be honest. You know, even therapists and counselors have limitations. It’s not a forever program. It’s a six week program. And then each week, they always try to talk about something new. Remember, too, it’s about maintaining control of the conversation and not in a bad way. You know, maybe you need to take that conversation and shift your friend. What are you doing to combat this? You know, I get depending on how the conversation goes. Are you taking responsibility for your actions? And maybe you should take the conversation and try to shift in on them and see then how they are? That’s why whenever I’m that friend that I’m like in tune listening, asking a whole bunch of questions, because? OK, let me get an understanding of what’s going on, because I have to really give him good feedback.

Kira [00:17:37] Let me ask you another question, since we’re talking about people we’re getting advice from. Do you have someone that is older that’s like a mentor or a family member or someone wise in wisdom that can give you advice? That’s not like your age is not your friend. Do you know I’m saying like, is there someone that you can go to when you need to seek that kind of wisdom?

Sherley [00:17:57] Yes, she is like my second mom. And any time she is my go to my go to like other, she’s right behind prayer. Right. And then after her then my other people follow based on what circumstance I’m in.

Kira [00:18:15] Got it.

Sherley [00:18:15] But she is my go to. Yes. She I’m always talking to her when I have problems because she gives good advice. She’s very unbiased about her advice. She will check me if she needs to check me. And we are so transparent with each other. And I love that because.

Kira [00:18:33] You need it now.

Sherley [00:18:35] You need it.

Kira [00:18:36] You did say something earlier that I’m going to disagree with with us. You said when you were taught when you are seeking advice, sometimes you talk to your parents and they are always going to have a kind of a biased opinion because you’re their child. So at the end of at the end of whatever situation you’re dealing with, you want to talk to them about basically nine times out of ten, they’re going to side with you. But I don’t agree with that. I think that in my situation, a lot of times when I need really good wisdom and advice, I go to my mom very close with my mom. And I know she’s going to give me guidance from a spiritual aspect. You know what I’m saying? Just good advice. But my mom will always check me when I’m wrong. She’s not going to be like, well, Kira, you know, he did this and he did this and he did this. She’s going to be like, you did this. The reason you did this is because why? She’s going to break it down with me. She’s gonna be like, and what does the word of God say? And what does the Bible say about this? And think about how your response added to this situation, or X, Y, Z. So in my situation, in my case with my mom, she’s never going to choose my side over someone else’s. If I was wrong, she she’s going to tell me that I was wrong and she’s going to tell me how to approach it, how to repent, how to, you know, go to the word with it, like. So in that sense, I think generally we always feel like our parents are always going to have our side. They’re always going to have our back. But if you’re wrong, you’re wrong. Your parent has an obligation to tell you that you’re wrong, that just because you’re their child, like.

Sherley [00:20:06] Yeah, well, with that being said, I guess it depends on the relationship you have with your parent street. Right. So our real our situation is different. I don’t go to my mom for everything.

Kira [00:20:19] Right.

Sherley [00:20:19] So you’re a lot closer with your mom than I am, I guess, with my mom. Right. So I guess maybe that’s probably why I’m looking that way. I don’t even know. I feel like I’m close with my kids, but I don’t know. Time will tell. I think I’m very close with them. They tell me pretty much everything. Yeah, but they’re still at that age where what is everything. They don’t really have anything important to share. Yeah. Right.

Kira [00:20:39] Wait, till they get to high school.

Sherley [00:20:41] That’s when the sharing is going to switch from level like one to now level four threat.

Kira [00:20:49] Right. Right.

Sherley [00:20:51] Do you think that your parenting style. I know it’s gonna get a little off topic. Do you think that you hold them accountable for their decisions, like when they’re wrong, like that they that you explain to them like you’re wrong and this is that?

Sherley [00:21:04] I definitely hold them accountable for their decisions and things that they do and hopefully that guides them throughout life to make good decisions. I remember I was having a conversation with my son. Oh, this is so off topic again. And I said, if I ever find out, your girlfriend reaches out to me and she tells me, you abusing her in any way, I will beat your ass.

Sherley [00:21:25] And he started crying. I was like, go ahead shed some tears because I want you to remember that. Because I want you to remember that. I will haunt you. Because I did not raise you. Because if you treat your girlfriend like that, you might as well treat your sister and me that way.  Don’t you ever try me. I don’t care how old you are.

Kira [00:21:47] Right is right. And wrong is wrong. There’s no sides.

Sherley [00:21:50] Yes. Act accordingly and don’t embarrass me because you know better. I did not raise you that way. So I will be beat your ass, he was cryng.  Because if I’m contacted it will be a problem.

Kira [00:22:02] Have some hands on you.  Now listen, we’re going to get back on topic with the heartbreak. And I think you were one of your points was do you set a timeline on your healing process after you’ve been cheated on?

Sherley [00:22:15] Absolutely not. That’s something you should not do at all. You shouldn’t set a timeline because you just like you didn’t know when this was going to present itself to you. Don’t set a timeline on how fast you need to get over it. Don’t do that to yourself.

Kira [00:22:30] Right.

Sherley [00:22:30] Just let it take its course. It’s important to know that it’s not fair to you or your partner to set a timeline. And also, your partner has to understand that you may recuperate from this situation a lot quicker than your significant other. You have to still be supportive to them for whatever they’re going through because everyone heals, just like every person heals differently with their body. Naturally, it goes the same thing with emotions. Everyone heals from emotional crisis differently. Whatever choice you decide to make, stay with your partner, not stay with your partner. But don’t allow it to break you down.  That’s all part of the time frame of healing. That’s why you can’t set a timeframe on this.

Kira [00:23:15] My therapist said that her job wasn’t telling me to stay or to leave. Her job was to bring me to my own decision and be happy with the decision that I chose. And I thought that that was really powerful because a lot of times you want them to just tell you what to do.  Like, no, tell me, like, listens to stuff I just told you he did. Doesn’t that deserve me to leave?

Sherley [00:23:38] When we go talk to somebody? We just want that answer. And that’s what we want is validation.

Kira [00:23:42] But you have to make the decision for yourself.

Sherley [00:23:45] Don’t look at separation negatively. We’re talking about your healing.

Kira [00:23:49] Right, our I’ll never forget the day that I called you and I was sitting on the bed and we were talking and I was telling you what was going on, and I was just like, I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. And you’re just like Kira. It’s going to take time. It’s OK. It’s going to take time. You have to heal. This is a process. And in that moment, like, I just was like, I just don’t see it. And now, like, all these months later, I’m like, OK. She was right. It’s a process. It’s a journey. But I had to talk to someone about it because even though I was praying about it, it was also like I didn’t know what to pray for because I was so mad. Yeah. So you almost need to have someone to just have an outlet and talk to and, like, work it through. Outside of your prayer and outside of your meditation with God.

Sherley [00:24:38] So the last thing we’re going to talk about is what are the five stages of grief.

Kira [00:24:45] I feel like Beyonce’s lemonade album covered that pretty well.

Sherley [00:24:48] She did.  I want to say that’s what she she really did it off of, you know, and even that, you know, one reason I applaud Beyonce, for doing that lemonade video is, you know, you may not have to be a fan of Beyonce.

Kira [00:25:04] I’m a fan. I’ve been writing for a long time. But anyway, back to your point. Lemonade was important because.

Sherley [00:25:11] Because she allowed the world to see that I go through the same shit y’all go through.  Dont get confused.  But I think she’s always spoken about her life and her music.  If you ever listen to her past songs.

Kira [00:25:25] Especially because even though they put their life in their music, I felt like Lemonade was a vulnerable album for her to show that she’s also human and that she has all of these emotions, the same ones that many of us go through when you’re in the situation where you’ve been cheated on, regardless if you’re a celebrity or not. So let’s let’s hear what the five stages of grief are.

Kira [00:25:50] I am sure anger is in there somewhere. Denial.

Sherley [00:25:52] You know, it.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Kira [00:25:57] Yeah.

Sherley [00:25:57] Stages of grief. And you are going to go through all of them when something especially such as cheating happens. They’re all going through go through your mind at different cycles, at different times. There may be different triggers that bring things on. Something may choose something that he or she says may trigger anger, something that he or she says may completely bring you back to that depression.

Kira [00:26:25] Say them that you made them one more time, Sherley.

Sherley [00:26:28] Oh, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  You don’t know when one of them is going to pop up because you don’t know what trigger is going to make one of them pop up. And I think denial is when you’re constantly. We all do that in our head like, oh, my God, it’s just really happening to me. What is that? Why is this happening to me? What is happening?

Kira [00:26:52] Why is this happening?

Sherley [00:26:54] Because denial, normally, I feel like happens in your head. It’s not something you say out loud. So denial is what’s constantly going on in your head.  It’s that fight you’re having. Like, why, why? Why did this really happen to me? What’s going on?

Kira [00:27:09] Yeah, I know. My question was like, what did I do to deserve this? Like, what did I do? And I’m a big believer in you reap what you sow. So it’s like God, like what did I do to someone to deserve this to happen to me? Like. And it’s not always that black and white, but that was definitely part of the denial. Like, why is this happening to me?

Sherley [00:27:29] Exactly. You’re right. Why is this happening to me so we’re bargaining, trying to separate it from acceptance, bargaining.  I feel like it’s something else that happens in your head. God, if you fix this situation as quick as you can, because I don’t want to go through this or you may go to your spouse like. So if we go to therapy, is all this going to work?

Kira [00:27:52] It’s also like negotiation almost. Yeah, kinda. Yeah. I mean, you could change it to say negotiation.

Sherley [00:28:00] There was another word that popped in my head and now it left. But yeah, it all falls under the, because now you’re like, OK, I need to rationalize my feelings.  So how are we going to come to a quick solution.

Kira [00:28:15] Or this is all this stuff that you have to do in order for me to stay?

Sherley [00:28:19] And that person doesn’t have to do anything. And that’s what we have to realize, healing. It’s not about forcing someone to do anything. I remember my therapist told me there were so many things that I was saying, well, he’s not doing this. He’s not doing that. And you know what she said. Well, Sherley, what are you going to do about it? What do you want to do about it? And how long can you accept what he’s not doing? She immediately shifted that real quick because all I was doing is saying what he’s. Not doing. And she’s like, OK, I hear that. But what? What are you going to do about it?

Kira [00:28:54] Right. Yeah.

Sherley [00:28:55] You know. So that’s what’s important. But we’re we’re bargaining, OK? Well, you did this to me.  So you need to suck on my big toe.

Kira [00:29:09] Dont say that guys, no. I told you she was crazy.

Sherley [00:29:12] But. Oh yeah.  Bargaining is. And it’s interesting that it’s called bargaining as five part of the five stages of grief. But as you called it, negotiation, Kira likes to call it.

Kira [00:29:25] I think it’s more like negotiation and this and the grief of.

Sherley [00:29:29] And then the last one. Because I’m not going to go through depression and anger because we already know what that is. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance, is. And I feel also acceptance can be false. You will go through all these stages. But that doesn’t mean you’re repaired because you may start back all over again because something may trigger something may happen, you may have a bad week and it brings you back right back to that depression state or that anger state because of the situation. Acceptance doesn’t mean that the pain is over.

Kira [00:30:04] That’s a good point.

Sherley [00:30:05] Healing, I feel like, never ends.  The scar is healed. The wound is gone. But your body is still working inside of you to make sure it stays healed and closed. Yes. And closed, you know, because if your body doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do on the inside, that wound can just reopen today. We’re going to be wrapping it up. We covered do not set a time on healing. You can definitely go to the blog and you can read the article. The name of the article is Ten Tips After a Breakup. Why you should know the difference between good and bad advice, just like it’s important that you need to watch the company you keep. You also need to be mindful of what information you’re sharing with people. And every advice is not always the advice that is best for you. So learn how to rationalize that. Take the good and the stuff that you need and weed out the bad stuff that you don’t need. And what are the five stages of grief? The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And those are going to cycle around it, not in the same order that I repeated them to you. And they will happen at different points of your life.

Kira [00:31:24] And for me, that would be including prayer, when you feel like those emotions in those stages are coming back up when you’ve already moved to a place of acceptance.

Sherley [00:31:33] Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. So, as always, Kira, you’re going to wrap this podcast up today and always remember to love yourself, be yourself and voice yourself a great day, guys. Bye, bye.

Kira [00:31:45] Bye.

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