How To Know If The Relationship Is Over


Sherley is a Haitian-American flight attendant who served eight years in the US Army Reserve. Her journey with Femme Naturelle began in 2012 as a way to build a safe space, a community to uplift and empower women in relationships transitioning out of crisis. She resides in New Jersey with her husband and two children.

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How To Know If The Relationship Is Over

This How To Know If The Relationship Is Over article was written by Lynn Joseph on behalf of Sherley Altidor

Ending a relationship is often one of the hardest things that we have to do. What makes ending a relationship worse is the fact that you may not even know if the frequent quarrels are a passing phase and you really need to hang on, or if the rift between the two of you is real and permanent. The fact of the matter is, break ups are really difficult, even when they are not romantic relationships. Every relationship is significant and every type of breakup holds a weight. So while today we will be focusing on romantic relationships, understand that much of this can be translated to another type of relationship that you may have with someone else.

When you are falling in love or realize you might be in love, many of us may wonder (or even our closest confidants who we may tell about our feelings may wonder and ask) if it truly is love or just an infatuation. We have similar questions when we are well into a relationship for some time and things may not go as planned or seem stagnant. Although in most cases you cannot be sure with clinical precision, there are a few signs that could tell you if it is time to part ways with the other person.

Also readHow To Survive In A Relationship

Any of these reasons could be the dealbreaker for you but you are the only person who can determine that. Some relationships run their course, serve their purpose in that chapter of your life and that is perfectly normal and okay and nothing to feel guilty about if you are considering letting a relationship go. Now if you have committed your life to someone, you do need to talk with someone that you trust and/or a therapist about what has led to your doubt to help you figure out next steps. Generally speaking though, these signs will help you start to understand where the thought of parting ways may be stemming from.

You have evolved as different individuals:

Time changes everything, and it may happen that with years passing by, you and your partner have become so different as individuals that you can no more relate to one another and the difference is so much that it is taking a toll on the relationship. It is like, you never knew this person. It’s not right to punish someone you love for evolving and growing as a person, so that right there is not an excuse to come down hard on someone and blame them for being human. If it turns out who the two of you are becoming are no longer compatible with this evolution or someone in the relationship is unwilling to even try to accept your evolution (because as much as we’d like to think that love is unconditional, sometimes it unfortunately is), then it’s okay to be honest about the reality of the situation and amicably move on.

Being single seems to be the happiest lifestyle in the world:

We all know those moments when we wish that there were no one around and we could have the entire house to ourselves, doing the things that we love doing. But this is also a very natural and common thought process. Do not be alarmed if this thought happens to cross your mind. On the other hand, if you do start visualizing yourself as single again and this is not a one-off daydream but something that you are seriously considering, maybe it’s time to rethink your relationship. It’s unfair to string someone along in a relationship where you have one foot out of the door. Be honest with your partner about where you’re at – if you’re feeling too smothered to want to try to make it work, if you need space as either a reset or time to think about what you need and desire in this next chapter of your life. No matter what you’re feeling, when you come to the other person, make sure that you have thought about your individual life goals and the goals of the relationship that you dedicated yourself to. Make sure that they are aware that you have put serious thought into this. Most importantly, be open to hearing what the other person has to say. Because two individuals have come together for a relationship, so while you may have these thoughts going through your head, you may have been too busy to ask what is going on in their head. You may be surprised with what they have to say once you open up a dialogue about your needs.

Also readHow To Not Be Naive

There is a lack of respect in the relationship:

Every relationship stands on mutual trust and respect. However, if you see that you are failing to show respect to your partner or don’t get the respect that you deserve from your partner, it is time to call it quits. Lack of respect negatively impacts your self-esteem and humiliation is the worst thing that you can subject yourself to. Do not let anybody disrespect you and do not give distrust a space to grow in your heart and negatively effect your heart health. If you need to take preemptive actions to protect your heart, this would be the instance to rip the bandaid off. Distrust, Disrespect, verbal abuse and abuse of any kind are not acceptable. If you are in a safe position to do so, break it off and don’t look back. If you are not in a safe position to do so, please, please find someone that you trust to help you get out.

You pick fights:

Fighting over things is quite natural between couples and anyone living together. But when it becomes a regular affair, that’s a problem. When it gets to the point where you are irritated by even the slightest misses or not even a miss at all but you use an opportunity to bring up something else that irritates you and you actively choose to pick fights over the most trivial issues, that’s when a moment of reflection is needed. Why be so cruel and selfish when you don’t have to be? Why hold onto so much anger and throw it at another person? What is the underlying issue here? Because even if it may have started with the other person giving you a legitimate reason to be angry with them, perhaps that moment has passed and you might be holding onto anger a bit too long and destroying your own happiness over something no one else in the world but you is having a fit over.

Before throwing a fit or pity party, really think about if the situation really deserves so much energy and time and space in your life. Examine the root of why you are upset and if it turns out there is no way to be approachable with the other person for whatever reason, maybe it’s time to move on, hopefully amicable and at pace and not through a pathway of unnecessary hurt and destruction. Tearing someone down is never the right choice, no matter how angry you are. While you may get a temporary high, it does not serve your relationship in any healthy way at all. So if you find yourself picking fights, ask yourself why and be honest with not only yourself but the person that you are attacking. Open up that line of communication and check in with the other person to see if you two are both on one accord about making this relationship work.

You do not express love:

This is often a gradual process. Over time, you may notice that there is less cuddling and hand-holding. You may even be not making love at all. Whatever your love language is or however your partner was best at expressing their love for you, you may be seeing that being shown less and less. It is so very important to feel loved in a relationship. If that takes a backseat, it may be a sign that you should reconnect with the other person to see what’s going on with them and if they are not receptive to a check in, it might be time to consider moving onto someone who is willing to love you through and through. Now we all have our moments when we are unlovable. We’re all human, let’s be real. You don’t want to drop someone at the dime of a hat just because there was a moment when love was not reciprocated. But if this becomes a steady pattern, someone might be falling out of love and why stay in a relationship where the love has evolved into something that is not fit for either of you anymore?

Also readCommon Law Marriage vs. Marriage: What You Need to Know

Ending a relationship is not an easy thing to do. But as difficult as it maybe, it just might be a necessary step to restoring your peace of mind and sanity. However, I must stress that before you decide to take the final call, try your best to see if you can make the relationship work. Consult therapists if that’s needed. Seek help. So that years from now you don’t regret that you didn’t give it everything that you could. Love is worth fighting for, so don’t be afraid to fight but also don’t be afraid to let go.

Articles you may enjoy on dating:

Why Do People Cheat

Why Forgive

Forgiving Others

How To Know If The Relationship Is Over

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Femme Parler, which in french means, “woman talk,” is a podcast speaking to women about regaining our power after a crisis in a relationship. 


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