Forgiving Others

In this podcast episode, we discuss forgiving others and how forgiveness is less for the other person and more for ourselves. Do we only forgive when people deserve it? Is an apology a requirement to forgive someone? What is “Sorry?” Forgiveness allows you to not carry the weight, the burden of anger, hurt and resentment. Forgiveness takes time and may include scars and heartbreak but it is key in a journey of healing. So with all of this said, can we really forgive and forget? What is the value of an apology? How do we expect to have wrongness recognized and acknowledged? How does intention, accountability and understanding play a part? Let’s find out…

Forgiving Others Podcast Discussion:

1. Should you still forgive when the person who has hurt you hasn’t apologized or expressed regret over what has been done?
2. Does forgiveness require reconciliation and friendship or do we simply need to move forward respectfully and cordially?
3. Is forgiveness an ongoing process or a final decision?

Article to read: 10 Ways To Regain Trust After A Heartbreak

Kira is my co-host for Season 1, she is a recently furloughed flight attendant, current stay at home mom, and former hairstylist. She has committed her time to helping people on the ground all around the world, learning how to be a better ally, and making change in her communities. Originally from New Jersey, she resides in Texas with her husband and very active toddler.

What are your thoughts from the show?  Please share in the comments.

---

Femme Parler Podcast is learning and growing every single day. We aim to uplift all marginalized voices both on this podcast and in real life. Please note that we are always striving to change the problematic language that society has internalized in us. Thank you for your patience as we aim to strip certain phrases from our vocabulary. Thank you. 

---

How to forgive others Podcast Episode Transcript

Transcripts are the conversations from the podcast which may contain a few errors/typos.  It can be difficult to catch all errors, especially if two people are speaking at the same time.  Please enjoy the conversation and if you have any questions email us at feedback@femmeparler.com

Season 1 Episode 04

Sherley [00:00:01] All right, ladies, welcome back to Femme Parler Season one, Episode four, where we are unpacking opinion and unpacking opinions and changing destinations. So this week we’re going to be talking about forgiving others. Forgiveness is less for the other person and more for you. It allows you to not carry that weight of burden of anger, hurt and resentment. Can we really forgive and forget? Let’s find out today.

Kira [00:00:48] OK. So last episode we were talking about relationships and cheating. Right. OK. And we all know that is something that is going to require forgiveness. So on today’s episode, we’re going to kind of segway off of that and talk about forgiving others. And again, like we’re speaking about relationships. But you can still have to forgive someone that you’re not in a romantic relationship with. I always hear the phrase like forgiven forget. Do you think that that’s real? Like, that’s realistic.

Sherley [00:01:22] I always categorize forgiveness as a wound. So when you injure yourself, it leaves a scar on your body.

Kira [00:01:32] Right.

Sherley [00:01:33] Even though the wound heals over time, however much time that may be depending on how deep the wound is. Right. But that scar is always going to remind you either when you look down on your arm, when you look down in your leg, or when you look at yourself in the mirror, depending on wherever your scar is. It’s going to remind you of that moment in time. And that’s how I correlate forgiveness.

Kira [00:01:56] Yeah, I totally agree with you on that. I don’t think that you can ever forget a heartbreak or being hurt. I think you just learn to move on from it and accept it, but you don’t forget about it. I don’t think that’s realistic. And I actually like I hate when I hear that phrase, like, just forgive and forget. And I’m like, that’s not realistic. It doesn’t really work that way.

Sherley [00:02:18] And the other thing I wanted to bring up is forgiveness also does not mean that once you forgive, you can never bring the topic up. And I’m going to elaborate this, because I used to be told that once you forgive somebody, you can’t throw it in their face. You can’t constantly remind them of the past or bringing the past up to their face. But we also have to understand that forgiveness is an opportunity for you to heal.

Kira [00:02:48] Right? Right.

Sherley [00:02:49] Your partner has to understand that he or she can’t compare yourself. You can’t compare yourself to your partner and how they heal. Always going to be different. It may take me longer to heal than it may take you, meaning it could be a snap of finger for you to forget something, whereas for me, it’s longer for me to let go. But it doesn’t necessarily mean I haven’t forgiven the person.

Kira [00:03:14] Right.

Sherley [00:03:15] It just means I’m processing it and it’s taking me time. And if I have to revisit that situation, I hate how society has made us believe that. Oh no, you’re wrong for doing that because you’re throwing them in their face. Now there’s a difference if we are in an argument. If I just want to have a simple conversation and I am revisiting something from the past that has nothing to do with throwing something in somebody’s face. And that is okay to do even after you have forgiven the person for whatever it is they have done to you. You are not wrong for asking a question. Maybe getting some clarification.

Kira [00:03:54] Right. And I think it’s a journey. It’s never going to just end, especially when there’s been hurt involved. You know, like when you have to forgive someone, it’s usually because they hurt you in some kind of way that there’s some kind of emotional reaction attached to whatever they did. So it’s like, how can you think that it’ll never, ever come up again?

Sherley [00:04:14] I agree. And I think it has something to do with how we are with children when they’re younger. And you have made that comment in episode two about we tell kids sorry and I think we move on.  I forgot how you word it, but.

Kira [00:04:31] I would saying, how did I say it that we teach them like to accept the apology so quickly or to say sorry so quickly and then you just say back, it’s OK.

Sherley [00:04:40] Yeah, it’s OK. You know, everything’s fine. And I think as adults, we. Try to create that same situation, but it’s different problems as opposed from your five years old of twenty five. It’s not the same thing as somebody stole your bucket out the sand box.

Kira [00:04:59] Right, and it’s not just it’s OK.

Sherley [00:05:01] Exactly. It’s not.

Kira [00:05:05] Now, do you think you should still forgive someone when they haven’t expressed regret to you or they haven’t apologized to you? This is a good question. I pondered on this for a while. Do they still deserve forgiveness? And they they don’t apologize. They don’t act like they’re sorry. They don’t express any regret for what they did. Do you still forgive them?

Sherley [00:05:26] So the best way I can handle this to our listeners is, you know, guys, I’m human.

Kira [00:05:32] Right.

Sherley [00:05:32] There are people that I will say that I’ve encountered in my life that I do feel that do not deserve my apology or my forgiveness. I should say, in this situation, and.

Kira [00:05:47] Is it because they didn’t apologize to you or because of the specific situation?

Sherley [00:05:53] I think because I knew remorse wasn’t there. Wasn’t there. So I think so, you know. And you see with me, I have to say, you know, I you know, it goes back to me and my situation.  You know, I the remorse was not there. And I don’t think there were more still there. I had to realize that I wasn’t forgiving for the wrong reasons.

Kira [00:06:19] You were forgiving for the wrong reasons.

Sherley [00:06:21] Yes. I was forgiven for the wrong reasons. Do I think that forgiveness is still a requirement? And I’ll be the first to say it is extremely hard to forgive somebody that you feel as though is not deserving of your forgiveness. But I think it was because I truly didn’t know what forgiveness meant based off of what society was telling me. I assume that I had to forgive and now it was a requirement for us to be buddy buddy, laughing and joking, breaking bread together.

Kira [00:06:58] You thought it required like reconciliation, which it doesn’t. Right.

Sherley [00:07:01] But yes. But reconciliation in the wrong way.

Kira [00:07:04] Right. You don’t have to be friends.

Sherley [00:07:06] You don’t have to be friends. Righteously respectful. I don’t care who the person is on the face of this earth. You just need to be respectful to people, whatever that may be, if you encounter them throughout your course of life. All you’ve got to be respectful and respectful can mean silence. Me respect, even silence is simple respect because I’m forgiving for myself. And this is, I think, what we have to remember. Forgiveness is all all about self.

Kira [00:07:32] That’s what I was going to say.

Sherley [00:07:33] Has nothing to do with the other party.

Kira [00:07:36] Right. I feel like I disagree with you a slight bit because I feel like an apology is not a requirement for me to forgive someone.  I think when someone isn’t sorry or doesn’t act like they’re sorry or remorseful, it makes it more difficult. It definitely makes that process of healing much more challenging. But I don’t think it’s a requirement for someone to apologize, of course. That’s what we always want to feel better about it and to acknowledge the hurt to that apology acknowledges like that. You did something to me that was hurtful and you regret it. I don’t think it’s it’s a requirement. I think that, like we had already spoke about before. Forgiveness is for us. Forgiveness is for me. Forgiveness is for you. So regardless if the person apologizes to me or not, I’m the one that’s gonna be carrying that burden around, not them, because they don’t even feel sorry about it. They don’t care.

Sherley [00:08:36] True.

Kira [00:08:37] And they’re just walking around, you know, living their best life, not worrying about me. And I’m sitting over here still mad about it.

Sherley [00:08:43] Very true. And what is sorry, what is sorry, sorry is thrown around so much that I don’t think genuinely people stop and think about what they’re sorry for. Women especially. I feel like we use the word like it’s just a drip of water.

Kira [00:08:58] We apologize all the time. That’s a whole other podcast episode.

Sherley [00:09:02] But everything we’re on the plane. I had to tell one lady. She did some. 

Kira [00:09:07] You told me that when I worked with you, you’re like stop saying sorry, stop saying sorry.

Sherley [00:09:11] Did I tell you not to?

Kira [00:09:12] Yeah. And I was like, I know I need to stop doing that. It’s a bad habit.

Sherley [00:09:17] We say all the time.  It’s just a word that just freely and loosely comes out of our mouths that generally do even mean it when we say it. Or are we just program like, you know, like a little DNA, sorry, when something negative happens, you know, that’s what you’re supposed to say.

Kira [00:09:34] And I think we say it so quickly because we don’t want to give off the wrong impression that we were trying to cause any harm or hurt. So we’re like, oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Yes.

Sherley [00:09:47] You don’t know what to say. You just say, oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean. We just say it. It’s used so loosely. Maybe that’s what I’m trying to. It’s used so loosely. That meeting is kind of trash to me.

Kira [00:09:59] So what? What do you think the value of an apology is? And what is what is sorry mean to you?

Sherley [00:10:05] When someone says it to you doesn’t really do much to me.

Kira [00:10:07] Really. Like, do you know better when someone apologizes and acknowledges that they hurt you or or you feel. It doesn’t matter because you already hurt me anyway.

Sherley [00:10:16] I’m a conversational type of person and I like to talk things out. Trying to figure out a resolution. Then you just looking at me and saying, oh, I’m sorry, I did that.

Kira [00:10:27] That’s so interesting because I feel like in my most recent situation, I got all that other stuff and I didn’t get the I’m sorry. And that’s what I wanted.

Sherley [00:10:38] And you wanted that?

Kira [00:10:39] I wanted the heart felt like two words.  I’m sorry that it.

Sherley [00:10:43] Do you feel it, though. Is that is that something you want to hear?

Kira [00:10:47] Yeah. Because for me, it acknowledges the pain and the hurt that you caused towards me.

Sherley [00:10:56] And me, I’m looking for a whole thesis and a five paragraph of. You know what, Sherley? I do recognize what I did was wrong. This is what I mean by you’re looking for those two words.

Kira [00:11:08] non, in like the most genuine way. Like, like Kira I’am sorry.

Sherley [00:11:11] But I think because of what I said to you on that plane. That’s how I am with that word. Sorry.  Taking the time to mentally think of what you’re going to see coming to me with all that information expressing to me and vocalizing to me.  What you did, recognizing that it was wrong to me was genuine because you had to think about it and process it in your head. It wasn’t just those two words thrown at me.

Kira [00:11:42] But, you know, so we kind of hit on it earlier when we were talking about forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation. Right? You were saying, like, you don’t have to be friends, you know, after you forgive someone depending on the situation, you know, what is what does that mean? Like, get a little bit more in-depth with me about what do you feel like? That means forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation.

Sherley [00:12:10] Not having to be friends with someone.  I think it depends on the dynamic of the situation where you wish you can forgive a close friend.  You guys talk it through and work it out and you guys are still buddy buddy saying you can still forgive somebody and still be friends with them. But it all depends on the situation that we’re talking about.

Kira [00:12:35] Right.

Sherley [00:12:35] So is it possible for reconciliation? Definitely. I probably answered incorrectly last time.

Kira [00:12:43] No, you you answered correct. It’s not a requirement.

Sherley [00:12:46] Yes. Not a requirement. But it’s possible.  It is very much possible because not every situation you’re going to forgive the person and not ever talk to them again. That’s not always the case.

Kira [00:13:00] I think to that sometimes, like we’ve been taught, you just say it’s OK and you feel like you have to just let that person in or still keep them in that same space that they were. But I think it’s important for us to know when we have to protect our peace, keep people at a distance and set boundaries with people, because you’re not going to continuously hurt me over and over and over. And I keep forgiving you over and over and over, and I still let you in that same space. So at some point, I’m going to have to keep you at a distance because you don’t respect my space, you don’t respect my peace, and you’re not good for me. I still love you. Maybe depending on the situation or I don’t. But we don’t have to be friends and we don’t have to be that close. I think it’ll definitely change dynamics in a relationship when there has been some hurt involved or some forgiveness that needs to be had.

Sherley [00:13:53] Now, you said something interesting. Do you consider forgiveness an ongoing process? Because you said I’m going to continue to forgive you for the same thing over and over. Is there a point in time that the contract is Closed, is cut off at a certain date and it has to be reopened?

Kira [00:14:11] Girl, I wish like I know the answer to this thing.  I don’t want it to be the answer because, you know, I wouldn’t do it with those Bible study on forgiveness because this is what I’m dealing with right now. And it says to forgive 70 times seven. He forgives the 70 times seven. And I’m like, so I’m supposed to forgive you 70 times. Times seven. Who’s doing that? Like, I’m not sticking around for 70 times. Seven times to forgive you. Are you kidding me? But it’s like I have to extend the same grace and forgiveness to you. That is extended. Me and this is me talking as a believer. Right. When I said, I’m not going to keep forgiving you over and over. I’m going to forgive you, but I’m not going to allow you to keep coming close to me in that space over and over. So if I’ve forgiven you for something, you’re going to get pushed back a little bit. You know, I’m not going to keep you in that close circle with me or that close, intimate space when you’ve hurt me. And it’s happened more than once. Like, at some point I have to learn my own lesson and understand that you’re not someone that I can keep close to me. Do we have to continuously forgive people over and over and over and over? Yes, because that’s what God does for us. Do I want to do that? No. Because at some point you just want to say, like Deuce’s, like you. I’m not giving you any more chances. I have to keep telling myself this throughout this process. And something that has helped me as a believer is that I try to look at the person that I need to extend forgiveness to through the lens of God’s eyes. Right. Because they’re still they’re still a child of God, whether they’re a believer or not. God still loves them. God still will forgive them for whatever they do. There’s nothing that can separate you from the love of God. Right. So he’s going to continuously forgive you over and over and over and over. No matter what you do. Right. And that thing that we’re supposed to be God. But like, if I’m supposed to live in a way that honors God and be Christ, like like I have to extend the same grace and forgiveness to you that he extends to me if I want to be forgiven, too.

Sherley [00:16:14] Exactly.

Kira [00:16:15] And it’s not easy, but it helps me when I look at the person through that lens of like, OK, this person messed up, this person, this or that. But I can have some empathy for them in that way. Now, this doesn’t apply to every single situation. And like, I want to be clear. Like we always say, if there’s any kind of abuse or there are things like that, that’s a different path of forgiveness that needs to be done in a very specific way. But in the context of a relationship that doesn’t have any kind of abuse like that, you got to look at that person through the through the through God’s eyes and basically know like, OK, well, God’s going to forgive them. He still loves them. And I am not professional enough to counsel someone or give advice on a situation like that one. I haven’t been through into I don’t feel like is on the same playing field as the things that we’re talking about. I do want to talk about like the thought process when it comes to I think we kind of touched on it earlier, like when you’re triggered and like bringing stuff up, not feeling like you can’t ever bring something up again because it hurt, it hurt you. And it’s a healing process and it’s a journey. But I did learn something and I read something like over the last few weeks and the premise was basically saying, like, you choose your thoughts and you choose what you focus on. So if you continue to focus on the bad stuff, you continue to focus on the negative stuff. You continue to focus on the hurt that’s going to be like all your vision is. So even when you’re trying to move in a place of forgiveness, you’re so clouded because you have all this negative stuff in front of your head versus, you know, thinking more positive thoughts, deciding to be happy for yourself, regardless of what that person does or does not do. That kind of changes things in a way that you can move forward with forgiveness, without reconciliation. If that is the situation or just so you can move into a better like headspace, I felt I found that really like I was like my aha moment. Like, OK, I’ve maybe I can’t get over this hump because I keep thinking about it like it’s so simple. Right.

Sherley [00:18:37] Changing your mindset.

Kira [00:18:38] Yeah. Like Kira stop. Can’t stop thinking about that crap all the time. Like think about the good stuff. Think about what’s happening now.  Think about the positive stuff, you know,.

Sherley [00:18:46] Thats mindset control the way your life is. We think without even realizing, the negativity, we think it just like the positivity we think. But we program ourselves to mentally beat ourselves up.

Kira [00:19:05] And check this out.  I also think that some people and sometimes we enjoy being the victim in that part.

Sherley [00:19:12] What do you mean?

Kira [00:19:13] Like this person hurt me. I’m so hurt by what they did. I just want to tell everybody how much they hurt me. I can’t get over it. I just keep thinking about it and wallow in my self-pity and mourn and, you know, be in this space where I’m the victim vs., you know, OK, I feel X, Y, Z about this situation. I’m upset about it. I’m angry about it. I’m sad about it. I’m heartbroken. But I’m not going to focus on that. I’m going to move forward. People want to hold on to it so they can, like, be the. Come and get I know if it’s more attention or just, like, not move on.

Sherley [00:19:49] Hold onto it being part of that narcissistic narcissistic behavior in that classification, because that is unhealthy. Like holding onto that resentment. And like you said, using yourself as a victim. So what, you can always be center of conversation and make people say, oh, my gosh,.

Kira [00:20:06] I just feel bad.  Bad that so-and-so did that to her.

Sherley [00:20:10] Yeah.

Kira [00:20:10] You know, possibly that could be a trait of that. Yeah. I mean, that’s a that’s another part of it, too. It’s like, OK. Yes. This happened like how many times you gonna tell me about it.

Sherley [00:20:20] Exactly. And people too. Ultimately they don’t want to hear about the negative. People are more interested in hearing. How did you bounce back from the situation.  Right. Share that with me.

Kira [00:20:30] And that’s what I asked you. Remember, I was like, Sherley, tell me how to work through this. And you were just like, Kira it is going to take time.

Sherley [00:20:37] It’s gonna take some time for a learning experience. And I don’t think I ever will be at 100 percent cure. I think it will always be that 90 percent, because I don’t care where you are in your life. There’s always gonna be that 10 percent room of improvement. But, yeah, I agree with you with that forgiveness is is required, but it’s a challenge.  I release myself of that negativity and what was done to me, and I’m going to allow myself to move forward.

Sherley [00:21:03] You believe in premature forgiveness where you forgive them, but then it’s like.

Kira [00:21:10] And you haven’t really dealt with it.  That’s a good point. That’s actually a really good point. I haven’t even thought about when you forgive too quickly and you haven’t really quickly.

Sherley [00:21:19] Because what society tells you to forgive.  Like, right away. You got to. Right away. Yeah. That’s so true. You do not. Because there’s no one that’s gonna protect your space. But, you know, one’s going to understand any decision that you’re making, whatever it is that you’re doing. But yourself. So if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. And there’s no wrong in that.  There is no timeframe on this.

Kira [00:21:40] I will say, talking to you through my situation where I was when it first happened and where I am now, I couldn’t see where I am now, where I was then. Good. When we own how we feel about the situation, like it’s heartbreaking and it was so hurtful. But I don’t have to focus on it and I can focus on the good stuff. Like I said earlier, but it’s it’s such a journey and it’s such a healing process that it doesn’t happen overnight. And I, I felt like I was on two sides of the coin or two sides of this scale where it was like I wanted to forgive so quickly. And then I was just like, nah.

Sherley [00:22:23] Like, forgiveness is also ownership.

Kira [00:22:27] Yeah.

Sherley [00:22:28] There’s always two sides to every story. Right. So you also need to ask yourself, is it possible that I could have handled the situation different like the humans that we are?  Oh, no, that wasn’t my fault.  No. Check your facts again, Cause I didnt anything. So forgiveness is about ownership.

Kira [00:22:45] And accountability.  Yeah. Like, how did I contribute to this situation? But owning. Owning your part in owning your responsibility to take accountability about, you know, what you may have contributed to this situation is important, too. And that was hard for me to do.  I think it’s also important on the other side for the person to own it, too, because like like we’re saying earlier, you give me the whole spiel. I don’t want to hear the whole speech. I want to hear. I’m sorry. Like, I want to hear Kira. I’m sorry.

Sherley [00:23:20] And you’re OK with that.

Kira [00:23:21] And then I can hear the whole spiel after that. Like, you give me the whole spiel and you still have said, I’m sorry.

Sherley [00:23:27] Like, that’s interesting. It’s interesting to see. We’re going to see how many of our listeners, if that’s a priority for them. Do you want to hear that? I’m sorry? Or do you want to hear the, the thesis and the whole preparation about. I acknowledged what I did. And, you know, this is what we’re gonna do to fix it. Like, do you want to go into a hole or a hole? You know, big paragraph of words.

Kira [00:23:51] Part of it, too, for me, is that I need the thesis after the fact because I feel like it’s going to help me understand. Maybe it’s not 100 percent of the time, but maybe like why it happened in the first place, OK? Or why you chose to make this decision in the first place. That would potentially be hurtful to me when I have more of the details.

Sherley [00:24:14] When you have more on the details.  But sorry is still.

Kira [00:24:17] Nah sorry. I need you to say I’m sorry.

Sherley [00:24:19] Now, does it have I’m sorry or can it be. I apologize.

Kira [00:24:22] I prefer I’m sorry, but I apologize. I apologize. It’s fine too.

Sherley [00:24:27] You see as two different things.

Kira [00:24:29] No I know I don’t, I think they’re just two different words. They the same thing.  But I want to hear. Yeah. I definitely want to hear. I’m sorry. So I feel like it acknowledges my pain. That’s how I feel like. I feel like. Acknowledges my pain, like you knew you did something that hurt me. And this is like I mean, I have and I had a little tiff with the family member and I’m just like I don’t like when like I’m very confrontational and not in a negative way in a way that I want to talk about stuff and work it out and figure it out and fix it or whatever. I don’t like when there’s argument or a fight and then we just act like nothing happened. Gotcha, I don’t like that.

Sherley [00:25:13] I know some people are like that. It’s that A type personality in Kira.

Kira [00:25:17] Like, I want to have a discussion and I want you to apologize.

Sherley [00:25:19] I’m right there with you now. I want a whole conversation.

Kira [00:25:23] If you don’t want to have a conversation because you’re being passive aggressive or you don’t want to face it and you just want to act like nothing happened, that’s fine. After I try cause and I’m like, OK. They’re not willing to meet me at this place so I can forgive them and move on. Right. But I still would prefer a conversation over just acting like nothing happened. That irks the crap out of me.

Sherley [00:25:47] And some people are like that. They don’t they don’t want to talk much about a situation after happen. The conversation is very small, you know, even though the situation might be big and it requires deep, mature discussion.

Kira [00:26:02] And I’m I’m I am the queen of. Helped me understand.

Sherley [00:26:06] Yep.

Kira [00:26:06] Help me understand why you felt the need to do to speak to me whatever in this way or not like help me understand it, because maybe I took it wrong and that was in your attention or whatever. But like, that’s why I want to have conversations about it versus just acting like nothing happened.

Sherley [00:26:29] Exactly. But some people are not like that.  I’m gonna say this and then maybe if I say this, she won’t remember it and walk away and nothing can be said. But I’m the one I’m peeking through the blinds. I’m like, Hello, are you gonna say something? You see, are you going to bring it up . You want to make an appointment or when when we’re gonna continue this. Oh Kalief doesn’t like that. Are we going to do that all day? You could see it in his face like, oh, you know, he said something one day.  He says, you know, one day you my girl. The next day I feel like you, my mom. I like you, my counselor, act right and I dont have to be your mom, my therapist.  It all depends on what role I have to turn on.

Kira [00:27:06] Listen, I do not want to be anybody’s mother, I promise you that. I mean, outside of my child, I don’t want to be mothering my husband.

Sherley [00:27:13] I think it’s just my nature and he knows it. So even though he’s not saying it in a malicious way and God. Right. I’m levelheaded and I I’ve learned to look past that. But he’s like, man, you’ve been having conversations at home and he doesn’t want to have.  I said, well, if this is real life,.

Kira [00:27:37] It’s important to me because I also think it affects for me the relationship further down the road, because what happens is when we don’t have the opportunity to talk about it and discuss it, I feel like resentment starts to grow because then when you do something else to me and you don’t want to talk about it and we just act like nothing happened, it’s like, oh, so this is your pattern and you just don’t care enough to, exactly, have a conversation and try to solve the problem instead of just moving on like nothing happened.

Sherley [00:28:05] Yeah. So it’s it’s important to me to let them know. No, we’re going to talk about this. This is how it’s going to be executed. We’re not just going to act like nothing happened or you’re just going to sweep it under the rug. We need to discuss this. We’re cohabiting here, you know, or like this is a friendship here. I don’t want our friendship to be severed over something small.

Kira [00:28:27] Right, right.

Sherley [00:28:28] Let’s discuss it. And, you know, a real trend, a real friendship. It’s hard to break. I feel like if your friendship is easy to fall apart, it was never strong to begin with.

Kira [00:28:37] Oh, that’s a good point.

Sherley [00:28:40] I do if I should be comfortable to really express myself. I’m not saying disrespect. Right. But if I can’t really express how I feel.

Kira [00:28:49] You can’t be vulnerable with that person.

Sherley [00:28:52] What did we have? Yeah, you know, we’re gonna wrap it up because I feel like here and I can start a whole new conversation.

Kira [00:29:00] Right. OK, wait, what are you talking about? OK. Talking about forgiveness.

Sherley [00:29:04] Now I feel like they’re gone in another direction. But so just to recap, should you still forgive when the person hasn’t expressed regret? Kira and I agreed. Yes, you should still forgive because remember, forgiveness is self healing. You’re doing it for yourself. You don’t need anyone’s approval. And remember, there is no time frame on forgiveness. So allow yourself the time to really process everything before you just, you know, don’t immediately forgive that person if it’s done prematurely because you don’t want to take it back. You want to forgive them and move on.

Kira [00:29:40] You want to mean it. Yeah, yes, yes.

Sherley [00:29:43] Now, does forgiveness require reconciliation?  I said no. No, it does not. It’s not depending on the situation, depending on the situation.  But it does not require reconciliation. You can forgive the person and you can decide to keep them at a distance. And there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you a evil person. It’s called protecting your space. Absolutely. Being mindful of who you’re letting into your aura, because everyone does not need to be in your space. They’re going to throw your balance off. Lastly, is forgiveness an ongoing process or a final decision? It is not. We are supposed to give how many? Seventy seven times.

Kira [00:30:30] Seven times 70 times seven. Seventy. I’m said ongoing.

Sherley [00:30:36] Forgiveness is a ongoing process. There is no I’m only doing it once and that’s it. No, you have to repeatedly do it over and over and over again. That’s why I Kira and I have stressed you. It’s important to protect your space.  So that way you don’t need to maybe repeated over and over. Exactly. Anything on the situation that you’re in? If you’re cohabiting with someone cohabiting with someone, it may be a little more difficult. But either way, it’s still ongoing. You have to forgive the person regardless what the situation is or how many times they may hurt you. Forgiveness is still important. So we definitely hope this podcast definitely helped those out there who are struggling with forgiveness. And, you know, we’re going to give you those three takeaways that we just discussed.

Sherley [00:31:23] And remember, it’s all for you. You’re forgiving for yourself. That’s what we want to end. So just always remember, love yourself, be yourself, voice yourself, and until the minute until the next podcasts. And guys have a great one.

---

Be part of a awesome community where we uplift each other!

It is a space created where women will be provided with guidance and encouragement: specifically, I want to speak to women transitioning out of a crisis in their relationships. I’m going to help you learn how to be the best individual that you can be. I feel that by hearing real, raw conversations and teachings from women that made a leap to regain their power after a crisis and chase a better life. I will encourage you to step out of fear and into faith

Join Femme Parler’s Private Facebook Family

---

Would you like to be a guest on Femme Parler Podcast?

Are you interested in getting your opinion out about a particular topic but don’t know how to do so?  If so, here is an opportunity to do so to share your point of view, PLUS get your message and voice out there.  It is always a great way to know about different perspectives and enrich ourselves through knowledge sharing.

Be a Guest on Femme Parler Podcast

---

Submit your relationship advice/question.

Femme Parler Podcast provides an atmosphere where every woman is comfortable growing into their best self. Femme Parler is a no judgment podcast where we discuss how to rise strong out of all types of obstacles that come with relationships. Through personal life experiences and discussions ranging from infidelity, trust, forgiveness, sex, heartbreak, self love, therapy and more, we offer words of empowerment as you strive to build and maintain all of the relationships in your life. You may be going through something that is unique and difficult. Sharing your story gives others comfort and could also be helping someone else. Let them know they are not alone. Everyone has a story, do not let fear hold you back.

Listener Stories, Advice & Questions

---

---

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links, I will get a commission if you decide to make a purchase through any of my links, at no cost to you. Please read my disclosure for more info.