Why Do People Cheat

Why Do People Cheat and Why do we hurt the person we care about so much? Why not leave instead of hurting your partner?  In this podcast episode, Sherley and Kira discuss what often provokes infidelity, detaching, accountability, putting energy towards positive things, and choosing the right path. We help you understand the “why” behind cheating, how to avoid being the person who cheats, cheating styles, and working through being the person who has been cheated on. We walk through setting the tone for what we want, listening to our gut, and the importance of communication. 

Why Do People Cheat Podcast Discussion:

1. Why not leave instead of hurting your partner?
2. Do people cheat only for sexual gratification? 
3. Is it true “once a cheater always a cheater?”

Article to read: Why People Cheat Instead of Walking Away

Kira is my co-host for Season 1, she is a recently furloughed flight attendant, current stay at home mom, and former hairstylist. She has committed her time to helping people on the ground all around the world, learning how to be a better ally, and making change in her communities. Originally from New Jersey, she resides in Texas with her husband and very active toddler.

What are your thoughts from the show?  Please share in the comments.

Transcript Below

Femme Parler Podcast is learning and growing every single day. We aim to uplift all marginalized voices both on this podcast and in real life. Please note that we are always striving to change the problematic language that society has internalized in us. Thank you for your patience as we aim to strip certain phrases from our vocabulary. Thank you. 

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Why did he Cheat Podcast Transcript

Transcripts are the conversations from the podcast which may contain a few errors/typos.  It can be difficult to catch all errors, especially if two people are speaking at the same time.  Please enjoy the conversation and if you have any questions email us at feedback@femmeparler.com

Sesaon 1 Episdoe 03

Sherley [00:00:02] Welcome back to Femme Parler Season one, Episode three, where we are unpacking opinions and changing destination. Today, we are going to be talking about why do people cheat? It would be simple to leave your partner, right? Right. But we find it much easier just to be sneaky. We do what we have to do based on our feelings. Why do we hurt the person that we love so much? Why do we do what we do? Let’s find out today.

Sherley [00:00:42] All right. Welcome back, guys. On episode three, we’re going to be talking about why do people cheat? And, you know, this topic is always going to be sensitive for me even. It was sensitive in the beginning when it happened, and it will always be sensitive. If I had to describe it an analogy form, it’s kind of like a wound where you’re scarred for life. But even though it heals, you look down on your arm or your leg and you see that scar and it reminds you of that time, that incident that happened.

Sherley [00:01:17] And that’s how I have thought of cheating in my mind.

Sherley [00:01:22] And the trauma that I had been through and I always speak from both I’ve been the victim and also the perpetrator. So, you know, the few questions were I wanted to cover. The first is why not leave instead of hurting your partner? That’s the big question that a lot of people have thought about over the years. I know. I’ve thought about it several times. Why not leave instead of hurting your partner? It would be easier to leave instead of hurting your partner. We assume it’s easier for an individual just to be sneaky. Majority of the time when you cheat, it’s not because you want to leave your partner. It’s not because you want to leave your partner. It’s just it’s a sour part of your life at that time. And you don’t know what else to do. But to just detach and put your energy into someone else, which is the wrong decision to make.

Kira [00:02:17] Right.

Sherley [00:02:19] Umm, One thing I will say is I like to use my life as an example, as a shining light to other women, because it took me a long time to realize, Sherley, you’re not the only one going through this. There are many other women that are experiencing this, both past, present, and it will happen in the future, which is it? Sorry to even think that way, but it’s just as as a realist as I am, it’s it’s never going to stop.

Kira [00:02:42] Right. Do you think that you’re saying that you don’t think people cheat because they want to leave their partner? But I’m wondering, do you think they cheat because they’re lacking something in their relationship or it’s just solely they’re dealing with their own stuff?

Sherley [00:02:57] For my personal opinion and when I cheated, it wasn’t because of anything my partner did. It was because I was lacking something in my relationship and that was attention. And I wasn’t being loved the way I felt I needed to be loved. So and that sensitive time in my life that I was in instead of me talking about it with my partner. Communicating. Dealing with it respectfully. I chose to step out. And when that other person came in, gave me the attention. The time that I missing.

Kira [00:03:36] Right.

Sherley [00:03:37] Fill that void. So my empty cup now was filling up.

Kira [00:03:41] Right. Your love tank.

Sherley [00:03:43] My love tank was filling up.

Kira [00:03:45] By the right person. But yeah.

Sherley [00:03:48] Filling back up and filling back up. And you know, as crazy as it’s gonna sound, I’m happy I experienced that. And I say that because I’m not setup for the cheating life. It’s not in my makeup. It’s not in my DNA. First of all, it’s work. It’s like a part time job. Is that what it taught you? It taught me that I’m not made for this. Like, that little head inside of me was going, Sherley you notice is wrong. Why are you doing this?

Kira [00:04:14] Right. You had a gulity conscious.

Sherley [00:04:15] Many nights I cried.

Kira [00:04:18] Right.

Sherley [00:04:19] I cried because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I chose to pick the wrong path.

Kira [00:04:24] If you want to share it. Can I ask you how long you did that?

Sherley [00:04:27] The first conversation, because it didn’t automatically. It was just friends at first.

Kira [00:04:32] Right. That’s how it always starts. It is an appropriate conversation.

Sherley [00:04:36] If I had to include from the minute I met the person, to the end, I would say a whole two year span. But through. It was a whole two year span. And I want to say the two years a year of that was where the inappropriateness started.

Kira [00:04:51] Got it. OK.

Sherley [00:04:53] Yes. Yes, and.

Kira [00:04:54] That’s a good amount of time.

Sherley [00:04:56] Yeah. Because cheating doesn’t. It doesn’t. It’s not a month. It’s not two months. It’s not three months. You know, I was reading a book and they said most people who cheat, sometimes it can last up to five years.

Kira [00:05:07] Yeah, I believe that.

Sherley [00:05:10] Five years and I don’t have the information I got it from. But I read tremendous amount of self-help books and they were saying that most cheaters, infidelity will last up to five years.

Kira [00:05:25] I wonder, too, if that’s because of the reason that individual is cheating? Because I mean, I feel like there’s so many different reasons why people cheat.

Sherley [00:05:37] Do you really feel as though it’s so many different? Or do you really feel they don’t want to take. Ability at that moment in time.

Kira [00:05:42] I feel like at the end of the day, it’s like an umbrella. Right. So there’s this basic thing that you’re lacking in your relationship, which is why you go and look for someone else or because, you know, like I told you.  I think that cheating can be intentional. I want to get revenge or I’m angry. So I’m going to intentionally go look for someone to do this with or you’re lacking something in your relationship. It happens with a friend that becomes more than a friend, or you do it because you know, you can get away with it. You know, that partner that you’re with is just going to be mad for a little bit. And you can come back and say, I feel like there’s different reasons like why people do that. Like, for me, I’ve cheated before and I don’t.  I mean, I know I have a reason, but I just I feel like I did it because I could I knew I could get away with it.

Sherley [00:06:35] So you were in a happy place and you want to.

Kira [00:06:39] I guess I was not.  No, I was not in a happy place in my relationship with that person at the time. I did love them, but I was upset with them. I was angry with them.  And I was like, OK, well, since you don’t want to do X, Y, Z, I’m going to see if I can do this. And how easy it is. And I did.

Sherley [00:07:01] Now, did you communicate with your significant other at that time? And they just refused to take heed to what you were saying?

Kira [00:07:08] I would say yes. And I don’t necessarily think he refused.  I think he didn’t know how to do what I was asking. For me, that was just like, well, I can like I love you, but I don’t know how much longer I can just wait around for you to figure out what I need you to do.

Sherley [00:07:24] I could totally and you know, when you said that in Episode one, that t cheating can be intentional.  You know, I did it. And even afterwards.  When I became the victim, there were times I was like, oh, OK. This is the game we want to play. Well, let me step back into my old ways.

Kira [00:07:47] Yeah, because you want revenge. Yeah.

Sherley [00:07:51] You want that person to feel what you felt. That’s the problem. You want that person to feel what you felt. And I think, too, that’s why.  Before, I went through what I went through.  I would and I don’t think I could ever understand. That’s why I don’t believe once a cheater, always a cheater.

Kira [00:08:14] I don’t believe that either, Sherley.

Sherley [00:08:17] And we can argue about it for days. I know a few of our listeners are going to be like the girl on lost her mind.

Kira [00:08:23] I don’t believe that.

Sherley [00:08:24] I don’t believe it. You know, and this is one of those. You got to agree to disagree. I don’t believe once a cheater, always a cheater, because to me it’s saying once a failure, always a failure. And, you know, I don’t believe it.  I do believe people can change. You have to be patient. It’s not easy. And I think because I was on that other side.

Kira [00:08:49] Right. You’ve been on both sides.

Sherley [00:08:51] As a trader, yes. I can totally relate and understand. That’s the reason why, like you said, I, I do feel the first initial time someone cheats. I don’t necessarily feels it’s intentional.

Kira [00:09:06] Right. Depending on the situation.

Sherley [00:09:07] Depending on the situation. But it can also become intentional. Cause when I was cheating, I chose to go back. I chose to go back and I knew I was doing something wrong.  In that sense, it can be intentional as well, because you legitimately know what you’re doing is wrong and you’re hurting your partner, but you still continue to go back. Go back, go back. Go back. Go back.

Kira [00:09:29] Exactly. Now, I was reading something. It was that was basically talking about, like, reasons why people cheat. And like one of them was opportunity. And I thought that that was really interesting because you don’t go in with like you’re not going in with the intention, like, hey, I’m going to cheat this weekend. But an opportunity presents itself. And then you just find yourself in this situation. But you weren’t intentionally going out there and you weren’t talking with someone, you know.

Sherley [00:09:58] You’re absolutely right. The opportunity does present itself and. Right. Are at a vulnerable place in your relationship. Right. That opportunity will eat you up like a vulture.  That’s why. And you’ll fail. You will fail. You will feel your strength at that moment in time will be challenged.

Kira [00:10:19] It’s weak.

Sherley [00:10:19] And you have to avoid the circumstances that you put yourself in, especially when you know you’re at a weak point in your life.

Kira [00:10:27] Man, when my ex cheated on me, I felt like that relationship. I felt like that needed to happen for me to know what I was worth. And for me to know what I was willing to accept and not accept going forward. I was with him for a few years. I think at the time. And I was just so broken by this situation.  But it wasn’t a I just cheated one time situation. It was I cheated with multiple people over multiple periods of time throughout our whole relationship versus like, you know, your situation where you cheated with one person over this whole period of time. I don’t think either makes it easier to swallow.  But it was so, so hurtful. It took me a long time to get over that. And I was reading something where it was like the length of your relationship is gonna take half the time for you to get over it.  It’s like, oh, my guy’s going take me here to get over this. And I feel like it did.  Maybe longer. It took me a long time. I was so hurt.

Sherley [00:11:35] It takes a long time to get over it. So hurts. It hurts. You just put a Band-Aid on it and you have to live life. You have to go back. I remember I would go to work. I would fly. And you could tell by the look on my face people who know me. I was sad. And you know what I said, I’m good. No, I wasn’t. No, I wasn’t. Even though I did take time off of work, I was not good. You know.

Kira [00:12:00] Life goes on and like, I still have to go to work.  I still have to take care of these kids. I still have to do everything.

Sherley [00:12:05] And then there were certain people I just didn’t choose to engage in this conversation with you.

Kira [00:12:08] Right.

Sherley [00:12:09] So then I’m good. Thank you, though. I’m sorry. All right. You know, just got a lot on my mind. Keep on moving.

Kira [00:12:15] Right.  So I feel like it was weird that we connected in a way to when we worked together just because there’s a certain people that you connect really well with and that you feel like you can be vulnerable with and share, they’re not going to judge you. And I felt like that was kind of how it felt between us, which is why, you know, we connected well, even though there is some things that we didn’t always agree on, you know.

Sherley [00:12:36] But that’s OK. Every relationship you have with a friend, you’re not going to always agree on everything.  You have to respect your friend to agree to disagree. I think when I found out that you had missioned in Haiti and then once we started to share our stories and you’re absolutely right, there are some people you connect with and there are others that you could know for years.  And the the puzzle just doesn’t fit the puzzle just doesn’t fit. Yeah. And like. It’s no love lost. Right. There’s just a different chemistry.

Kira [00:13:09] Yeah. Everyone’s not meant to be your friend. And that’s fine.

Sherley [00:13:13] Exactly. Everyone’s not meant to be your friend. There are some people that just, you know, hey, how you do doing great. And that’s it. Yeah. They don’t need to know every bits and details of your life or what I guess what you choose to share, which you don’t choose to share. Right. So I guess to ask why not leave instead of hurting your partner? And I’ll answer that in my opinion. To sum it up, because I’m speaking from experience. I didn’t want to go through the emotional pain of having to separate.

Kira [00:13:43] Like the breakup, the breakup.

Sherley [00:13:46] I felt that would have been easy, harder for me.

Kira [00:13:49] Are you talking about on the side of you being cheated on or on the side of you cheating.

Sherley [00:13:54] Me from my perspective since I cheated and then I chose not to say, you know what? I think we need to take a break. I think we need to see other people. Right. I do want to have that conversation with you.  If you’re not listening, anything else I’m saying I’m not having that conversation with you, so I’m going to handle it the best way I know how right now. I have to. I have I have to work. I have to handle things. I don’t feel like getting into a breakup conversation with you. Right. Is it going to help anything? That was me at that moment in time. Right. Poor decision. And I do feel like if I’m not speaking for the general population, but people I think are just scared of a breakup. Whatever the reason may be financial. Maybe they don’t have anywhere to go. You know, like a lot of active heartedness, if you have an apartment or a house together and you’re not really truly in a very financially stable situation where you could just pick up and move.  Why am I gonna break up with you?

Kira [00:14:52] I’m going to stay with you and then go do it. I want to do because you’re not giving me what I need.

Sherley [00:14:56] And then I’ll just deal with the problem that comes later. But I’ll figure it out here. I’ll be here until you officially put me out. Right. Right. And that that’s what it is. That’s that’s what I feel as though for me it is. Yeah. You know, for me it’s because a cowardness, you know, because I didn’t want to break up. That’s simply what it is. There wasn’t there’s no other reason for me. You know, I can pull so many things out of my butt and say, oh, he wasn’t paying attention to me. He wasn’t. It still doesn’t justify what I did.

Kira [00:15:29] Absolutely. Yeah. And it’s good that you’re accountable to that.  Yeah.

Sherley [00:15:35] So that’s my reasoning as of. Not why not leave instead of hurting your partner? Because I was a coward.  I didn’t want to break up.

Kira [00:15:46] Right.  So on the other end of the spectrum, when you’re the receiver of it, how do you how do you think? How do you ask that question to the to your partner?  And what do you think the answer is? Like, why did you do it? Why did you do this to me?

Sherley [00:16:03] Why did you do this to me? You know what? When I asked that question, the initial response that was given was it was because you. It was because of you and which means which means nothing to me. You’re not taking accountability. Like, OK. What does that mean? What does that mean? It doesn’t mean anything to me.  You’re not taking a accountability for what you’re doing. But over time, through. We went through a short period of time over a little therapy.  You know, he started to realize I am the issue. I am the communication in the relationship. He’s the opposite. I am the one who’s communicating more. Like always compensating always. We have to discuss this. We have to. And you see the look on this face like this is scary. He’s terrified. And I said there’s no reason to be terrified.  Why are you terrified to appropriately answer your question when I ask him?  Why not leave years later where he ended up telling me was that’s not what he wanted to do.

Kira [00:17:11] Right.

Sherley [00:17:12] He just wanted to have his cake and eat it, too.

Kira [00:17:16] Well, on my side of the spectrum, it was because I don’t want to leave, but I need to communicate better with you. So instead of communicating with me what he wanted, he communicated that to someone else to vent about me. Instead of communicating with me.

Sherley [00:17:35] And remember, we talked about that in season 1 people not season, episode one episode one. Yeah.  People do not care about your relationship. You need to watch the snakes that you’re feeding information to because there are certain men out there. I’m not sharing what’s going on in my relationship because you are going to visually look at my partner differently. Certain things don’t need to be shared.

Kira [00:18:01] They don’t need to. Especially not with someone who has the conviction to respect you and respect your relationship and who is going to give you, like, sound wisdom, advice. I’m not saying that you can’t have very deep relationships with coworkers, because that’s like we said, the majority of the time most people spend is at work when they’re not at home. So you’re going to develop relationships with people.

Kira [00:18:27] But it’s that fine line where it cannot get inappropriate, especially when you start talking about your partner or your spouse to someone of the opposite sex.

Sherley [00:18:40] There are a select few people that you can share what’s going on in your life because your partner will be viewed differently. You know, he might have been upset with me and said certain things, didn’t realize what he was saying was harming our relationship. And it opened up a floodgates because that person saw an opportunity window, as you just said, OK.  This is time to slither on in cause things are rocky at home. And I’m going to be his shining light, right? Yeah.

Kira [00:19:11] Verses like my response is like, you know, you you have your core people, you know, you can talk to about certain things in your relationship. And then every now and then you’ll meet someone like in our job at work who you have a connection with.  And you just want to, like, spill your guts because you want someone who’s not partial to you. It’s not partial to them.  We can give you, like, some feedback, some advice, because.

Sherley [00:19:39] You want someone whose opinions are not going to be biased. Exactly. I know.  And that can either come from family or friends. Yeah. It’s important to always have a non bias decision when talking about these things. And this is important even from as a mother standpoint. If my children were to ever come to me for any type of conversation, I have to remind myself I need to separate myself at that moment from the mom.  Because my kids just want to talk to me. I can’t. You know, I may want to say, OK, you need to immediately leave. No, that’s not the advice. I need to give it my hands to both the negative and the positive.

Kira [00:20:20] Right. And let them work it through.

Sherley [00:20:23] Yep. Yep.

Kira [00:20:24] And and trust that you’ve taught them the right way.

Sherley [00:20:27] I have to believe that, you know, those years that I was raising them. It was for something. And they’re going to make good judgments. They’re going to have mistakes and fall.  But, you know, and even me, myself, as I am example to my daughter.  Right. As she gets older, I’m starting to have little little conversations with her so she can understand that, you know what I did. Every woman doesn’t do. It’s hard for most people to stay in a relationship. And I think my relationship is even harder because a child was created.

Kira [00:21:01] Right.

Sherley [00:21:01] So every decision that I make is always based on those three people.

Kira [00:21:05] Right. Right.

Sherley [00:21:06] So, you know, she may when she becomes older and she sees life differently and she’s in a relationship, she may totally disagree with the decision I made. And that’s okay I have to respect that.

Kira [00:21:19] Right.

Sherley [00:21:20] You know, even as a daughter, she may say, I’m not having that.  You know, I can’t be to her. That’s her choice. She doesn’t have to do what I did. And what I did is not right or golden. Just like there’s no manual for being a parent. There’s no manual when people cheat. We just are guided through what society tells us. You don’t know how many people beat my back in to say, oh, you still staying with him.  And it was always he did this. And I had to remind people I’ve been a perpetrator, too. I just didn’t do it as loudly as he did. OK, so let’s refrain from beating one party up here.

Kira [00:22:01] You know what? I can’t stand. I saw someone write this on Facebook and she gets on my nerves, but he was like, oh, I would never say if my husband cheated.  And I was just like, you know what you’re gonna do until it happens to you? I hope it doesn’t. I hope you never have to experience that. But people are so quick to say what they’re never gonna do. And I wouldn’t stand for this and I’m not going to stand for this until it happens to you. And then you have to look through this new lens and you’re like, huh?

Sherley [00:22:38] I mean, if we really take the time to think and this is not this is a question for everyone. Everyone who’s listening. If we wanted to nit pick every single person out there based off of their past.  I don’t think we would really, truly have that many relationships because I think everyone has a little deep, dark secret. Regardless if they decide to share or not.  And I had to ask myself, OK, since I’ve been the perpetrator and now I’m been put in this situation. Do I leave him? To go be with someone else, to start something new.  Even though that person that I decide to be with is not perfect, they’re going to have some shady nonsense in their past. What justifies that? The new person is better than the old person. Nothing. That’s how I rationalized it in my head. Everybody rationalize it differently. You have to do what’s best for you. But that’s how how I broke it up to justify. Should I stay or should I not stay, number one? I think because I’ve seen both sides. His cheating was not intentional. It was an escape for him because he didn’t want to deal with the responsibilities of what he had in his present relationship. So it was an avenue for him to get a breath of fresh air. As one thing I remember he saying is I didn’t argue with her at that time.

Kira [00:24:10] I just feel like, though, to you know, we were talking about why do people cheat? I do feel like there is a difference between what happened with you and what happened with your partner. That you guys are not like serial cheaters, right?  I feel like there is a type of person that consistently cheats, consistently seeks out attention, consistently apologizes, and then consistently does the same thing over and over again.

Sherley [00:24:39] I can agree with that.

Kira [00:24:41] There is a type of person that just doesn’t care. That is just going to always need more. No matter how much you’re giving them at home, no matter how much you’re contributing to the relationship, they always want to have this thing on the side or this emotional connection with someone, even if it’s not sexual.  It’s like. There. I feel like there are people who have a problem.  And it’s not just sex. Like this. Like cheating can be emotional, too. Like if you’re having relationships with women over years and years and years and talking to them and having these intimate conversations with them.  That’s not it.

Sherley [00:25:18] And, you know, anything can become unhealthy. There are serial cheaters out there and they’re always going to be in a relationship because they’re going to smooth their way on in to you. And then once they are where they want to be, that’s why it’s important, as we said in season one, set the tone for what you want upfront. And once you start to see certain things that you don’t like.  Stop questioning yourself.

Kira [00:25:47] And listen to your gut.  I feel like if I Lord and I mean, obviously this is like from a faith standpoint, too, like listening to the Holy Spirit and having discernment, like if I would have done that early on, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. But I kept trying to give this person the benefit of the doubt, even though I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right or even though I had these red flags. Because, you know, when you’re in previous relationships with her, you move on to the next one and you’re like, I want to believe the best about this person. I don’t want to always think that they’re doing something wrong. And you see little signs or you see little things and it’s just like, oh, man, I think it’s happening. But she don’t want to, like, accept it because you’re still you’re so stuck on like you want to be positive, you want to think the best, but you like God gave women intuition for a reason.

Sherley [00:26:42] Even though I legitimately knew something was not right.  Something was not wrong. Something was wrong. I was constantly second guessing and questioning myself.  And instead of me listening to what was being said to me, because I feel like it’s a whole being speaking to you.  I do feel like you’re ignoring God because he’s giving you he’s trying to give you a warning. Like I said to me, something ain’t right, Right. I’m telling you, something’s not right. And you’re like, no, Lord, let me stay positive. Yeah. Like, you don’t know. Oh, God, this has nothing to do with positivity. Something’s not right. You know, and this is that’s what I was telling you, where it’s like. When you forgive somebody, you’re not accepting, they’re foolishness. That’s right.  Just because you feel as though something is wrong, it doesn’t mean you’re being a negative person. Yeah, because that’s automatically stopped being so negative. Yeah. Don’t think like that. If you think it’s going to happen.

Kira [00:27:46] So here’s the other thing, Shirley. Another situation with cheating. Not for me. I was cheated on was that the thing seemed to perfect. Like this person can’t be this good. And that for me was a red. The red flag. That was the actual red flag like this. Like, they don’t seem to have many flaws.

Sherley [00:28:12] You feel as though your partner was too perfect.

Kira [00:28:15] Yeah. I felt like key. I felt like he didn’t have noticeable flaws like I did. You know, like you love someone and you accept them, you know, flaws and all. Like Beyonce says. But I felt like he didn’t have a lot of flaws legit. So for me, it was like, well, what’s wrong with him? There’s gotta be something wrong with him.

Sherley [00:28:39] Is that what do you think? That’s also one of the reasons why that made you lose focus.

Kira [00:28:46] It caused me to I mean, it it ended up that this person was cheating on me, too. But I think that they were so good at it.  I never would have suspected it because I thought that the person was so good. I didn’t believe that it was in there being in their character to even do something like that.

Sherley [00:29:08] Do you feel as though people are just good at it or do you also which is crazy. Do you categorize cheating? Same thing. You categorize organization. I’ll tell you how my mind is thinking. I know how people when you walk in people’s homes, you can kind of get an idea of if this person is organized or not and how they live. Do you think based on how they are in their living environment is how they cheat? Like, for example, I’m a little bit not OCD to the point of unhealthy, but I’m very structured.  My cheating was even like that. It was very structured, as crazy as it may sound. So lately, contact me unless I contact you. Why? A little like I maintained control at all times. My partner his cheating imitated his way of living all over the place.

Kira [00:30:05] Right. No, I. I definitely think that the cheating style.

Sherley [00:30:11] That’s a good way to categorize style. Are you sloppy? Are you a neat cheater?

Kira [00:30:16] Was very clean. Very clean cut. Very hidden. I would not have known unless you know, what happened unless I looked through the phone or I saw the person. I would not have known. I would not have known, even though I knew that something was off, because I’m like, this person cannot be this perfect. And I had other, like, red flags. But that was like the main one. I’m just like.  This is not realistic. But yeah. Mm hmm.

Sherley [00:30:52] One was a good one. We talked about what style of cheating that’s some people are sloppy cheaters. Some people are neat cheaters.

Kira [00:30:59] And I mean, let’s just talk about our lifestyle as flight attendants. Our job makes it very easy.

Sherley [00:31:05] Infidelity to occur in different states.

Kira [00:31:08] And to the point where you don’t even have to put an effort that’s on our side as the flight attendant and our partner site. Like you don’t have to put an effort because, you know, I’m gonna be gone for four days so you can go do what you want to do it. I’m not here. And tell me, X, Y, Z.

Sherley [00:31:24] Exactly. The opportunity is there. Everyone can do it.

Kira [00:31:27] Everyone can do it. And you shouldn’t be doing it.

Sherley [00:31:30] You shouldn’t do it.  The next question is, do you feel people cheat for sexual gratification?

Kira [00:31:37] Only depends on the individual. I think some people have definitely some kind of sexual.

Sherley [00:31:44] Nymphomaniac.

Kira [00:31:44] Yeah. Like issues or addictions or what’s the word fetishes that they can’t do with their spouse or their partner. And so they know that they can go do it with someone else. And that’s just like the people who cheat, who just see prostitutes or, you know, escorts. There’s that whole slew of them, too. So there that I feel like is mostly just sexual.

Sherley [00:32:07] It’s interesting you say that I was watching a movie.  You know, I am the queen of watching Investigation Discovery.

Kira [00:32:14] Me to girl my favorite channel.

Sherley [00:32:17] I’m constantly watching it. And I was watching this one actually was a movie that was made by a serial killer. And he made a comment.  He said, One of the reasons why I chose to be with these prostitutes is because I wanted them to perform fellatio that I didn’t want my wife to do.

Kira [00:32:33] Oh, my God. I just saw that.

Sherley [00:32:36] Did you?nnWhat was his name? Henry. Something or Bruce?

Kira [00:32:40] I don’t remember, but I just watched it. Yeah. You know, like, I’ve never heard that before. That’s interesting.

Sherley [00:32:46] You know who in there. You know who’s in there. It’s that mate.

Kira [00:32:49] Nicholas Cage is in the movie.

Sherley [00:32:52] Yeah thats the movie, girl we’re so in sync.

Kira [00:32:54] Yeah. I just watched it. It’s like oh, so it’s there isn’t.  It’s dirty for your wife to do so. You’re going go. How the prostitutes do it.

Sherley [00:33:03] And when I thought to myself, I’m like OK. Mine like OK, you have respect for your wife but yet you don’t have respect for her by going out and stepping out on her behind her back.

Kira [00:33:15] And then I mean, he was crazy anyway cause he’s a serial killers. But but I haven’t heard that before.

Sherley [00:33:21] Never. I’ve never heard any serial killer say that.

Kira [00:33:24] And I’m I mean, I’ve never heard a person say that the reason that they stepped down on their partner was because they didn’t want their partner to do something. I’ve never heard that. That is very shocking to me when I was watching that movie. That’s really interesting. So it’s too dirty for your wife or your partner?

Sherley [00:33:42] It’s interesting for all our listeners out there, any of the men that want to comment tell us, is cheating for you or you do? Do you want that person to do certain things that your wife, your significant other your girlfriend, whatever title you want to give her?  You want to do with that person other than your wife or partner? Right. And wife or partner. Interesting. That’s a good question. It shocked me when he said.

Kira [00:34:09] Me too. Because I’m just thinking you just want more sex.

Sherley [00:34:12] That’s what I’m thinking, too. Like, she’s not given it enough or, you know, she’s not giving it to you when you want. So you’re going to go out and get it.

Kira [00:34:20] Or you want something different. I don’t know. You long hair.

Sherley [00:34:24] Exactly. But for him to say that I was I wasn’t expecting that. Yeah. I mean, you are.

Kira [00:34:29] And I was. That’s so funny. We both watched. And I was like, what the heck. That’s interesting.

Sherley [00:34:33] Just watching that the other day. And that was it was very interesting. But for me, I think it’s for sexual gratification only because, remember, that’s not how it starts off.

Kira [00:34:45] Exactly. Always starts off  emotional connection.

Sherley [00:34:49] Yes. So I don’t feel I do feel what happens is, is it starts off as a simple. Harmless conversation. Hi and bye. Hey, how you doing? Small talk here and there.  And then it starts to escalate. It starts to escalate. And that’s when, as we said in episode one, you have to learn when to cut ties when you start to see you’re reaching into danger zone.

Kira [00:35:13] And that’s why you have to have the barriers like we also talked about. Yes, because you have these barriers, you won’t even get tripped up into the next phase because you’ve already, like, not allowed.

Sherley [00:35:26] And the red alerts will be right in front of your face. So I don’t think it’s always for sexual gratification. It’s a guide. It gets to that point. But that’s not the reason. And then the last question we have is, is it true once a cheater, always a cheater, which we already asked for me? I don’t think so.

Kira [00:35:42] I dont think so either.

Sherley [00:35:44] People can recover. It’s kind of like drugs and alcohol and any addiction that you have. And I don’t want to classify cheating as an addiction, but any wrong thing that you’re doing. You can always recover for it. Now, the partner that you with are with at that time when it happens that you hurt, may not want to deal with you and you cannot fault them for that. If they need as though they need to separate from you, give them all the time they need in the world. But I do believe that people can recover from any wrongdoing that they do in life. And I’m going to phrase it that way, because even though we’re talking about cheating, any wrong thing that you’re doing in life, there is opportunity.

Kira [00:36:24] Yeah, when there’s a change, when there’s genuine repentance for it, there’s a genuine repentance for it. And you have asked for forgiveness. There is no reason why you have to be held out or tied into that box that you’re going to always do this or you’re going to make the same mistake again. I don’t have to. I totally don’t think that that’s.

Sherley [00:36:44] I agree. I, I don’t think that’s. You shouldn’t have to be put in that box forever. But people will see you as them. Oh, they cheated. They did this. They did that. Yes, I did.  But that’s not only me. There’s a whole other part of me that you’re missing here. So let’s not focus on that. Just one little issue.

Kira [00:37:05] And I. I definitely regret when I cheated on an ex. I regret that to this day.  I don’t feel like he deserved that.

Sherley [00:37:18] Do you feel as though anybody really, truly deserve.

Kira [00:37:22] Yes. No, I’m kidding.  No, I don’t think. I don’t think most people deserve it. But then it goes back to revenge. Cheating. Like, that’s a little different thing. But in that situation, I don’t think he could give me what I needed, even though I tried to vocalize that to him just because of where we were in our lives at that time. And eventually we came to a place of forgiveness with both of us. And we were friends for a while. But. I regret it because I just feel like it hurt him so much. He didn’t. He didn’t deserve that.

Sherley [00:38:08] I generally don’t feel anyone deserves to be cheated on. And I do feel sorry for the other parties who are in the middle of it.  The person I cheated on with was single at the time. They weren’t in any relationship. And even though I was cheating, I always maintain control. I set the tone, which is crazy, but that’s what I did. I set the tone. You’re not just going to call me whenever you want to call me. There’s rules to this. I’m in a relationship and I and I knew there was it wasn’t hidden.  I felt sorry also for him because I was taking advantage of him, you know. And when I cut it off, because I had to, I prayed and I told you I cried. This wasn’t good for me and wasn’t totally threw me off. But when I chose to cut it off, it wasn’t easy. Because that other person repeatedly called.

Kira [00:39:04] Right because they had soul ties with you.

Sherley [00:39:07] I had to maintain control and let them know not happen. And. This is if it’s done, like there’s nothing that’s going to happen between us. I think I foresee the future. And I just knew like it was not meant to be.

Kira [00:39:21] Because it was wrong.

Sherley [00:39:24] It was not meant to.

Kira [00:39:25] Whats done in the dark will always come to light. And I, I feel like to the way that I tried to live my life. I’m not perfect. I’m always going to make mistakes like I’m not without sin like anyone. But I try to live in a way that honors God and I try to be accountable and accept responsibility for my decisions.  And I think when I’m doing something wrong, I have such this strong conviction and this guilt that won’t let me rest, that will let me sleep, that won’t let me walk in happiness. It’s like you can’t be like a child of God and just be doing all this stuff that, you know for a fact is wrong and not have any conviction about it. And that’s I feel like what was happening to you. You were feeling so convicted, like I can’t do this anymore. I know it’s wrong. Like, Lord help me. I do.

Sherley [00:40:17] I will never understand how people are serial cheaters and how they do it over and over and over again

Kira [00:40:25] That part right.

Sherley [00:40:25] Not feel bad heaviness.

Kira [00:40:27] Right, and not feel that hurt that you’re doing to that person.

Sherley [00:40:31] You become so comfortable that it’s like second nature.

Kira [00:40:34] Right.

Sherley [00:40:35] That you’re in bed and you’re texting someone else. Like, to me, I think that’s the lowest it can get. And that’s where.

Kira [00:40:44] You found yourself?

Sherley [00:40:46] That’s where I found that, because it was just so it was wrong for me. I guess I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. So, you know, but like I said, it’s a positive and negative. And it gave me a sense of understanding from my significant other. And I really do believe through prayer and faith and just me going through what I went through, it helped me better understand from another perspective and say, OK, I get it.  I understand how this happens. Who the heck am I to throw stones at someone else? So that strengthen as crazy as it may sound, it did strengthen me to remain focused and guided.  Now, granted, you know, when my partner cheated, we’re we’re talking about the whole next level because a child was created. You know, that has to be broken into two parts.

Kira [00:41:38] Right.  And and what you can handle is, is what you can handle. That’s for Sherley, you know, what care I can handle is for Kira and everyone who gets on here and says, I would never stay this that the third, you don’t know what you’re going to do until you are in that situation. And I hope it never happens to you.

Sherley [00:42:02] Man, you don’t know what you’re going to do. So you going to say that. I was that girl to say you have a child with somebody else I’m out with that girl and me being on this podcast now talking about this. Kira, do you know how much healing, how much therapy, how much prayer I had to go to through. What? Because, you know, in the beginning, I was so focused on society and what people would think.

Kira [00:42:27] Right.

Sherley [00:42:27] I Had to shake myself up, surely get a hold of yourself. Remember, you are not the only one going through that. And there are billions of other women experiencing what you’re experiencing.

Kira [00:42:39] People dont live with you.

Sherley [00:42:39] People dont live with me, and you can be a beacon of light for somebody else to let them know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Regardless if you choose to stay, if you choose to leave, because please understand, I’m not advocating that. Oh, you must stay with your partner and work it out. My advocation is you need.  To do what is best for you and only you know what that is.

Kira [00:43:05] For you as the individual, not for what everyone’s going to think about you.

Sherley [00:43:09] But what I do know is whatever some other party’s decision is, you must respect it. That’s what I do know. To go over everything we went over is why not leave instead of hurting your partner, you know, please take the time to really think about that decision before you decide to cheat on your significant other really stop and ask yourself why and is this worth it? Why do you want to hurt the person that you profess you love? Would it not be easier just to walk away and take a temporary break so that way you could do what you have to do? Your partner can do what they have to do and healing can happen separately. Then the next thing is, is do people cheat? Only for sexual gratification as Kira and I said we don’t think that is the case because remember, cheating doesn’t start off as sexual. It starts off as emotional. It starts off as a conversation. And the last is, is it true, once a cheater, always a cheater? Kira and I do not believe that. Of course, there may be others that have different beliefs. And remember, we’re always you know, you just have to agree to disagree. You’re not always going to agree with everything that we have to say. But we’re just trying to be a beacon of light to other women out there and let them know, again, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. And just because whatever crisis that you experience in relationship, it doesn’t have to completely stop your life and stop living.

Kira [00:44:42] Right.

Sherley [00:44:42] Because life is beautiful. So don’t let anything that you experience in your relationship tear you down. So, no. Once a cheater, not always a cheater, you can recover after it.  It is possible. All right. So from Kira and I want to thank you guys for listening today and till the next episode. Remember to voice yourself, love yourself and be yourself into the next time bye bye.

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