Being Forgiven

What are the next steps after being forgiven in a relationship? We have to remember that forgiveness is a gift and trust is earned. Forgiving is the first step to healing and it takes time. Sometimes the greater the hurt, the greater the time it takes to forgive. In this episode, we discuss what trust looks like when you’re in the process of forgiving and after there is forgiveness. We unpack reaching a level of maturity and being realistic about the new dynamic after a crisis, expectations we put on each other, forgiving mistakes vs. intentional choices, and compassion.

Being Forgiven Podcast Discussion:

1. How does it feel to be forgiven?
2. Will you accept that the relationship may never be the same?
3. How do I hold onto self-compassion?

Also read: 10 Ways To Regain Trust After A Heartbreak

Kira is my co-host for Season 1, she is a recently furloughed flight attendant, current stay at home mom, and former hairstylist. She has committed her time to helping people on the ground all around the world, learning how to be a better ally, and making change in her communities. Originally from New Jersey, she resides in Texas with her husband and very active toddler.

What are your thoughts from the Being Forgiven podcast episode?  Please share in the comments.

Mentions on the show:

Beyonce

Sandcastles

Married at first sight

Transcript Below

Femme Parler Podcast is learning and growing every single day. We aim to uplift all marginalized voices both on this podcast and in real life. Please note that we are always striving to change the problematic language that society has internalized in us. Thank you for your patience as we aim to strip certain phrases from our vocabulary. Thank you. 

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Being Forgiven Podcast Transcript

Transcripts are the conversations from the podcast which may contain a few errors/typos.  It can be difficult to catch all errors, especially if two people are speaking at the same time.  Please enjoy the conversation and if you have any questions email us at feedback@femmeparler.com

Season 1 Episode 08

Sherley [00:00:06] Hello, everyone, welcome back to Femme Parler, season one, episode eight. Today we’re going to talk about being forgiven. So you’ve been forgiven. Now what we have to remember that forgiveness is a gift and trust is earned. Forgiving is the first step to healing, and it takes time. Sometimes the greater the hurt, the greater the time. Let’s talk about that today.

Kira [00:00:42] Are less forgiveness episode. We were talking about self forgiveness and how forgiveness is a choice. Basically how to forgive yourself. All of that. So today we’re discussing what it feels like when you’ve actually been forgiven. So I guess I can start when someone forgives me and I genuinely feel forgiven. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel like I have so much peace and understanding. And I feel thankful that someone actually decided to forgive me for something that I did that hurt them. It’s a lot of different emotions, I think rolled up into it when you’ve been forgiven. How do you feel when you’ve been forgiven, Sherley?

Sherley [00:01:29] I would say it’s similar situation, similar feelings, I should say.  It depends on who has forgiven me.  Truthfully, there’s a lot of people whose forgiveness I guess it’s maybe it’s a ignorant way of me saying I don’t even care about. I don’t care if you forgive me or not. Whatever is presented to me, I need to be accepted of it. It’s taking me quite some time to get this way. This wasn’t always easy. So it just depends on who who it’s from.

Kira [00:02:01] OK. So in the context of the example that you have given and shared with our listeners in prior episodes about how you have been betrayed and you’ve also been like the betrayer.  So when you were the betrayer, how did it feel to be forgiven after that situation?

Sherley [00:02:19] It felt good because I at that negativity off of me.

Kira [00:02:24] Will you accept that the relationship won’t be the same after you’ve hurt someone, even though they’ve forgiven you? You may have said some things that were extremely, extremely hurtful to the other person. And now it’s really changed the dynamic in your relationship, even though they forgiven you and they’ve told you that they’ve forgiven you. Do you think that you can accept that the relationship will be different? It won’t feel the same going forward after that.

Sherley [00:02:49] I don’t think our relationship will ever be the same from what it was when we were first initially established at 15 and 16, now at thirty seven and thirty eight. It will never be what it was then.  I have one I wish I can go back to and sixteen and sixteen.  I have a lot of respect for our relationship and it takes, it takes an extreme amount of healing amount of prayer for me to say what I have to say because I appreciate all the negatives that we have gone through and now I am more accountable.  I try to be mindful with my words. They hurt him more than anything. I appreciate our relationship right now Kira. I feel like I’ve learned so much through all the negatives. Everything that we’ve been through our relationship will never be the same. It will not. We’ve reached a level of maturity that it takes a certain type of person to get to where we are with some of the traumas that we’ve been through together.  The arguments, the disagreements, the throwing of the vases, I remember one time I got so angry, I threw I had this glass bowl that had I think if I was using it as a candleholder, whatever the heck it was, I threw that thing all on the floor. I mean, when beyonce say says that song, what is it? I think in saying in sandcastles where she’s like dishes thrown or.  That’s me. Like I mean, we have a Christmas tree. So I mean, this is this is what’s happening behind closed doors, you know?

Kira [00:04:26] I think our relationships go through journeys and seasons and they change over time anyway, just because you’re not going to be the same person you were when you’re 15 and 16. Just in general, just because of maturity and growth and life experiences. So your relationship is going to have different dynamics as you move forward.  I know for me, when I think about the situation where I was the one who betrayed someone else, I know that it took him a long time to forgive me while I’m, like, waiting for this forgiveness to happen. It was really hard.  Feeling like I caused so much pain to someone else. And once he did forgive me again, it totally changed our relationship going forward and not necessarily in a bad way, but it was just different.  I don’t even know if I really know how to articulate it.  I don’t want to say I’m glad that it happened because I’m not. I feel like we could have. I mean, I’m not married to this person, so I don’t want to say, like, I should’ve could have what is.  But things could have gone differently if I didn’t do that. We reached a place where we had a lot of love for each other, but eventually went our separate ways. I think it was good that the way we ended was the way we ended once it finally did because our relationship was just different.

Sherley [00:05:39] Let me. And I’m going to just step off chart just a little bit. Do appreciate. Thus far some of the experiences that you’ve gone through and what you’ve seen in life and being with another person.

Kira [00:05:53] Absolutely. OK.  Because I can appreciate it in the sense that. Right. I caused this pain to someone and it made me feel terrible. Right. And I said, I told you I didn’t do this again. It was so, like, gut wrenching for me that it caused me to change my outlook and my behavior, like going forward. Now, that’s not to say that that will never happen again. I can never say I can say I would like for it not to. But you never know what circumstances can bring you back to that place.  But I appreciate it.  Because when it happened to me again with another person, when I was cheated on, then I knew how it was full circle, like I knew how painful it was for him. And I appreciated it even more that he forgave me, you know. And it makes me also, like, not want to be that person.

Sherley [00:06:46] Now, how does it feel that they’ve accepted what you did? And also how does it feel for you to accept what somebody else did?

Kira [00:06:55] Well, that’s a good one for me. When I when I think about that specific situation in that he accepted it and forgave me. On top of that, it makes me feel or it made me feel happy.  And I just I don’t know.

Sherley [00:07:08] Like like was he upset? Did you not talk to you for. Because it’s always interesting for me to see how men deal with this.

Kira [00:07:15] He was upset. I don’t really remember that moment that well. I remember I was crying and I think he cried too. But he was very upset and he didn’t speak to me like that. It was it was done after that for four months. But I was persistent. Eventually he came around.

Sherley [00:07:33] But that’s where it wasn’t the same.

Kira [00:07:35] Yeah, I wasn’t the same after that, because I don’t think he fully trusted me, but I knew that he still loved me. So it’s really interesting dynamic because you’re trying to navigate where you really still love the person, but you don’t trust them. But then you’re also so happy that they forgave you. So you’re like happy that you guys are back together, happy that it could work this time and then it doesnt it.

Sherley [00:07:56] And, you know, it’s interesting that you say trust because how do you forgive someone?  But yet you don’t trust them because the two were supposed to go hand-in-hand.  And even me at times I had that little demon spirit in my head that will speak to me and that will say things like, you don’t know what he’s doing. Surely he’s been out, like almost half the day and this is my brain, like talking to me that, you know, you should probably call them or text them the unhealthy conversation that is going on in my head. OK.  Sherley, like going out. Exactly. Now I have to get this negativity out my head and figure out all these positive things to do because I’m going into this place that I didn’t even ask to be in.

Kira [00:08:36] So here’s what my mom has always taught me about that. That one, obviously, that’s not from God. No thoughts like that or not from God. So, you know, anything that’s going to attempt you to be thinking terrible is not of God.  And two that, you always want to believe the best about your partner, even when you’re in a situation where you don’t trust them. The way to build back trust in your own headspace is to believe the best about that. Like, oh, he’s been out all day. I hope he’s having a good day. I wonder if he got this done. I wonder how he’s doing this. Oh, hope he didn’t have any traffic or, you know, to change your thought process of thinking the best about him and best of all, what he’s doing versus all the stuff that he could be doing that’s negative. And that has really helped me a lot. But I’m not going to say that the thoughts still don’t come up.

Sherley [00:09:22] Forgiveness and tress are really, truly, in my opinion, they have to go hand in hand. But that trust is always going to be challenged because of those little thoughts that come in your head. That’s why I say, well, you know, when you meet a new partner fresh out the the gift box that you know how you feel when a new gift comes out it is all brand new, no fault no nothing, no nothing until you start using that laptop you’d like, this damn thing won’t turn on.  That’s how it is. We human beings, when you first get them out the gift box. Oh, you have nothing to judge them by. One hundred percent trust.

Kira [00:09:54] Exactly.

Sherley [00:09:55] Why the hell do we do that?

Kira [00:09:57] Exactly. Because we’re believing the best about them from the start.

Sherley [00:10:01] So what happens when something goes wrong? Why? Why does it change? Because something goes wrong. Why does it change, why are we program that way?

Kira [00:10:08] Here’s the other part of that. None of us are perfect. Like, we’re all going to make mistakes. But when something is a mistake, I don’t think it’s a mistake. Over and over and over and over and over and over again. I feel like after you’ve done it multiple times, it’s a choice. A mistake. I don’t feel I can happen continuously.  So I feel like sometimes for me it’s easier to forgive a mistake versus forgiving a choice that you that you made. Does that make sense?

Sherley [00:10:34] It’s easier to forgive a mistake than a choice that you made.

Kira [00:10:39] OK. When I cheated, I cheated one time, right? I didn’t cheat on him with this person multiple times, multiple times. Multiple times, multiple times. Once it moves into that multiple times range, I feel like you have made a choice and this is what you’re going to do now.  Does it mean that you still can’t be forgiven for it? It means for me that it’s going to be harder for me to forgive you for this choice versus this one time to say this one time mistake for me, for you.  Now, someone might see both of them as one in the same. I don’t. I feel like for me, it’s it’s definitely different.

Sherley [00:11:13] I agree with you. A mistake is one time. Once you start getting into the two, the three, the four and the five, you are now considered a repeat offender and you are fully aware of the actions that you’re partaking in. So, yes, I totally agree with you 100 percent because you just don’t you know, we all know how cheating works. You just don’t slip on in there. It just doesn’t work like that.

Kira [00:11:39] I’m there. And there’s many times out of 10, like we discussed in previous episodes, there’s a lot of buildup to it. It’s that rare case of the person who deliberately goes out to see cheating. That’s that rare case.

Sherley [00:11:50] It needs to go hand in hand. If you’ve forgiven that person, you do need to trust them again. But it’s just it’s hard. It’s kind of like when you first meet them, your trust level is at 100.  But then, you know, they make that one mistake. Now you’re at 98 percent.  Then the other mistake in the mistakes could be different. They don’t even have to fall into the same category. But each situation, that trust level starts to drop.

Kira [00:12:14] And now you’re right in that betrays trust. It does necessarily have to be cheating.

Sherley [00:12:20] It could be financial.  It could be sexual. It could be verbal. Now, once you reach 50 percent of trust, you’re in the danger zone.

Kira [00:12:28] Have you ever watched married at first sight this? It’s a reality show.

Sherley [00:12:32] Oh, was that the one with that guy that had no neck and that Asian girl?

Kira [00:12:37] What?

Sherley [00:12:37] There was a guy that had, like, no neck. He was about my. He was so chubby with no neck.  And I think he went to the Philippines.  To marry that girl.

Kira [00:12:47] That’s I think that’s 90 days. I’d say. OK. So married at first sight.  Is this show I’m going to give you a quick synopsis where you have matchmakers, professional matchmakers that match two people together and they get married and they see each other for the first time and they get married at that same day. Just a visual sight.  No, like they literally match you. So it’s like, hey, Sherley, you have a match and then you’re like, yay! So come to the church on this day, you’re gonna get married to them, married at first sight, OK? So they go to the church, they get married.  And then after the marriage, they build on the relationship because they have been matched by experts that claim that their marriage should be should work, it should be sustainable or should be happy based on all of these factors of their personality, their job, their upbringing, etc.. So there’s this one girl on the show gets. She’s from Charlotte. She has a match with this guy. And he’s tall, handsome, basketball player, played basketball internationally.  And she was just gushing about how perfect he was. Oh, my God, he’s so perfect. He’s exactly what I want. And he’s everything I could have imagined that I like every time she’s doing her little what they call it when they’re talking to the producers and they’re asking them questions and she’s just like, he’s so perfect. And in front of him, he’s so perfect. He’s so perfect. We’ll come to find out. What happens is I think it’s I think it might be I don’t know how long they stay married. I don’t know. I was gonna say 90 days, but I think it actually might be longer than 90 days anyway towards the end of it. They have to decide if they want to stay married or get divorced. Right. So we’re going through they’re going through this process and she finds out that he’s like seeing other women while he’s married to her, while he’s supposed to be in on this whole, you know, experiment with wanting to find the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life.  I thought it was so ironic that she called him perfect so many times and then he was the one who was doing all the dirt, the bad stuff. And they actually they ended up getting divorced, obviously, because she was she was so broken by it. When I say she was broken, this girl was like sobbing her eyes out. And I was like, you know why? Because she built up this expectation that this guy was perfect. There’s no one that’s perfect. I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. Our spouses our partners are not perfect.  And then soon, we have the first sign of him not being perfect. It totally broke her down.

Sherley [00:15:07] Because she took him out of that box and everything was at level one hundred and a stupid level one hundred, gotch. It’s awful how we put expectations on people. I don’t know where we get that from. I don’t know if it’s learned behavior. I’m not no specialist. I’m not no doctor.  But I don’t know why we put expectations on people. Why. Why do we do that? Why do I meet you? And all of a sudden, I don’t even know. I may not even know anything about your past. Like your for. But you’re good. You’re good. Everybody comes with shit.

Kira [00:15:38] I know for me, especially with my husband, because he had been married before. I felt like, oh, God, there’s going to be like so much emotional baggage related to this. And I don’t feel like there was baggage related to his marriage. I feel like it was related to, like, his personal dealings or, you know, thought processes, the thought process. Is that right? Yeah, that process. Yes. So I don’t know. I feel like we give ourselves these expectations because maybe we want them to be true. I don’t know. Or we we want to think the best about the person.

Sherley [00:16:16] I think that’s what it is. I like that. You want to think the best about that person. And, you know, why would you think of any negative? But it’s not you’re thinking of negative. You’re just being real realist. And at any point in time, disappointing news may come to the table. That doesn’t make him a bad person. Right. You know, we just have to figure out how can we possibly work through this? If we all started off the relationship. OK. You might cheat on me.  OK. And that’s the reality. So how are we going to handle it if you were to cheat on me? How would we handle that? Honey, I. And if I was to have a new partner. We’re having the discussion.

Kira [00:16:51] I think if I were to have a new partner, that would be part of the discussion because it’s happened too many times to me, like I’m over it. At this point. But also, I think, like, you know, I felt like that last episode about forgiving are the last one we talked about with forgiveness, with forgiving ourselves. I just feel like that was so important just because it’s not something that we do easily. So if we can’t forgive ourselves easily, that means it’s going to be that much harder for us to extend that forgiveness to someone else. So when someone actually extends it to us and forgives us, it’s like the whole weight has been lifted off your shoulders because you’ve been the recipient of something that you kind of feel like you didn’t deserve.

Sherley [00:17:30] When I had to forgive the other party, that took me a long time. My thinking is like this. There’s a missing link here because for someone to even possibly think behavior like that is healthy.

Kira [00:17:43] There’s someone out there for you don’t have to deal with someone else’s.

Sherley [00:17:46] Exactly. But why do we put ourselves in that situation? Why do you feel as though you need to entertain what somebody else already has? Why she number one, she doesn’t do it again. Why do you feel as though that’s all you worth?  Like you telling me penis.  That’s the only penis that you could get. I totally on your side. No, you you’re out.

Kira [00:18:08] You totally haven’t. Because what that ties into our last question, which is like about self compassion. But I would talk about how you feel with your own self-worth when you feel like as the woman, as the side chick.  I know that I’m talking to someone who’s married or in a relationship, and I’m okay with that. I’m OK with sending them pictures of myself. I know that they’re married, regardless of what that person has told you is going on at home is probably not 100 percent the truth anyway. But you still feel that it’s acceptable to do that. Like that behavior is not inappropriate in any way or you don’t care.  And so my thing is like what kind of person that mindset and that self-worth that you have of your of what you think of yourself must be really low, that you have to feel that amped up, that affirmed by someone else’s husband or someone else’s partner.

Sherley [00:18:57] It’s extremely sad, but it makes me think like, why does a person’s mind think that way, Kira? When I was young, I mean, I was naive in certain things. But when it came to giving myself to somebody, there were certain rules that I had. I knew for a fact I didn’t want a man with children because I didn’t want to have to deal with being anybody step mama. I didn’t want somebody who was tied in. I knew at a young age, I don’t want nobody else is left over. And I pray to God, even to this day, that I am never someone sad chick. I don’t want to entertain that life because it’s just there’s nothing to entertain. Yeah.  So we’re talking about everyday people.

Kira [00:19:39] That made the decision to continue in conversations or relationship with someone that they know is in a relationship.

Sherley [00:19:46] Yeah. Why? Why did you do it?

Kira [00:19:48] Here’s here’s the thing about that, too. The problem is that every action like that has consequences, very, very serious consequences. And not just for you, for the person that you’re doing that with and for the person that they’re in a relationship with or married to. And it affects everyone involved, even up and down into the children. So for someone to do that, I feel like it’s very selfish. Even when I tried to confront the person who is doing it. They wouldn’t answer me. So it was almost cowardice, too, because it’s like you have enough balls to do it. And then when I challenge you on it and I ask you about it, you don’t have anything to say. I don’t know what brings that mindset into a type of person.  I don’t know how. Because if if more people cut it off at the start, at the root when it starts, it wouldn’t get that far.

Sherley [00:20:38] It wouldn’t it would be too perfect of a world.

Kira [00:20:41] I mean, no, it wouldn’t get that far, would just be like not like chill out, you marry.

Sherley [00:20:46] But, you know, it would be a perfect world if that was the case. But there are people that do this repeatedly on a daily. Oh, yeah.

Kira [00:20:53] There’s people that do this just to seek them out.

Sherley [00:20:55] And we definitely are not talking about people who were lied to because if you were presented alive from the beginning, you’re definitely not who we are talking about. Because if you were lied to, you have no control over that because that person did not give you a choice. Give me enough respect to give me a choice. And then if I do make that choice. These are the people we’re talking to. Why do you feel that choices? Oh, you got.

Kira [00:21:21] Right. But here’s you know, here’s the thing.  We’re we’re we’re kind of I don’t say we’re bashing, but we’re we’re trying to understand the thought process of that. But what we can say, too, is if you’re someone like that and you don’t want to be like that anymore, you know, we want you to be able to forgive yourself.  Yes. It’s kind of like close, I guess.  I think the biggest thing that we want to, I guess, end with is that we want to have compassion for ourselves the same way we would extend that forgiveness to someone else when someone has forgiven us. We’re so happy about it. We have to have what’s called self compassion.  I wanted to read what it what it says it is because I thought it was a really cool definition. It says self compassion involves acting the same way toward yourself when you’re having a difficult time, fail or notice something you don’t like about yourself instead of just ignoring your pain with a stiff upper lip mentality. You stop to tell yourself this is really difficult right now. How can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Practice self compassion and give yourself a break to know that like we’re not perfect. And so you’re in a really difficult spot and you’re feeling bad about it. But how can you end it with comforting yourself and caring for yourself and making yourself feel better? I’m not excusing it, but just having that compassion for you that she would give to someone else when you had to forgive them.

Sherley [00:22:37] Wonderful. So today we’re going to end just to recap on what we went over. How does it feel to be forgiven? That’s the question you want to ask yourself. Both Kiraa and I, we both feel as though it is a weight being lifted off of us regardless, even though I said it depends on who we both agree it is a weight being lifted off. Second is, will you accept that the relationship may never be the same? Depending on what crisis that you went through, whatever situation you have experience in your relationship, there’s a possibility it may not be the same dynamic, the same setup that it was before.  Don’t look at it as a negative. We’re getting through this stronger every day. The last thing is, is how do I hold on to self compassion?  Be mindful of what you’re doing, about your actions, about your decisions. Don’t be screwing other people’s partners. You’re worth more than that. Like, come on. That’s what we want to leave with you today. As always, thank you guys for listening. Love yourself. Voice yourself and be yourself. Until next time.

Sherley [00:23:41] Bye.

 

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