A relationship can be very challenging… because it’s not a fairytale. While everyone looks for that perfect partner with no faults, the reality is that no one is perfect. In this episode, Sherley and Kira discuss 3 key ways to help build a solid relationship. There will always be bumps in the road and we are here to help you stop setting down your own. We discuss the importance of being mindful, creating the right barriers, selflessness and communicating.

Discussion:

• What does being in a monogamous relationship mean?
• Why a relationship should only involve you, your partner and God?
• Why creating false thinking is harmful for long term relationships?

Read Sherley’s story: How To Make A Relationship Work Even After A Heartbreak

Kira is my co-host for Season 1, she is a recently furloughed flight attendant, current stay at home mom, and former hairstylist. She has committed her time to helping people on the ground all around the world, learning how to be a better ally, and making change in her communities. Originally from New Jersey, she resides in Texas with her husband and very active toddler.

What are your thoughts from the show?  Please share in the comments.

Mentions on the show:

Visit the website below for the 5 love languages:

5 Love Languages

Transcript below

Femme Parler Podcast is learning and growing every single day. We aim to uplift all marginalized voices both on this podcast and in real life. Please note that we are always striving to change the problematic language that society has internalized in us. Thank you for your patience as we aim to strip certain phrases from our vocabulary. Thank you. 

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Transcript

Transcripts are the conversations from the podcast which may contain a few errors/typos.  It can be difficult to catch all errors, especially if two people are speaking at the same time.  Please enjoy the conversation and if you have any questions email us at feedback@femmeparler.com

Season 1 Episode 01

Sherley [00:00:11] We are going to be starting the first episode of Femme Parler where we are doing Season one, Episode one, in this episode we are going to be discussing how to survive a relationship. Many of you I know have probably thought of how do I even make it to years 30, 40 or 50? Either your parents or your grandparents. How have they survived this far? And we’re going to talk about that today.

Sherley [00:00:58] All right. So in this podcast today, we are going to talk about how to survive a long term relationship. Now, this may not be for our seasoned professionals. And when I say seasoned, I mean people who have been in a relationship for over 10 years. And the reason why I say 10 years is I feel as though personally it is a good number.

Sherley [00:01:22] For those who have been in a relationship, who’ve been through trials and tribulations, who really have gotten to known each other, because if you’ve been in a relationship for five years, to me that’s you’re still a newbie, you’re still learning your person.

Sherley [00:01:40] You are still trying to understand that person from when you wake up in the morning and realizing like, oh, my gosh, this is who I have to wake up to for the rest of my life. So, yeah, being on a long term relationship comes with a lot of questions in your mind.

Sherley [00:01:59] So today we’re going to discuss how to survive that. Now, one thing I definitely want to suggest is 20 years ago, that 17 year old Sherley, what I know now is that I was completely, completely naive. I had this unrealistic expectation that I was going to meet the perfect person and he would never going to do anything to disappoint me, because why would he? Of course, he’s in love with me. He loves me. He wants to be with me. So why would he want to hurt the person he loves? Well, that’s far from the truth.

Sherley [00:02:32] Twenty years later, after we’ve been through a few crises, trial and tribulations, you realize that that’s not the case and that thinking is completely, completely wrong because you should never start off a relationship putting someone on that pedestal or being that naive. But when you’re young, you don’t know because you’re not taught our relationship in school. So you’re literally learning as you go. And each new partner that you get with is a learning experience and each partner is a different partner, is in a different completely person. The first question we’re going to discuss today is what does it mean to be in a monogamous relationship? So monogamous means one monogamous means that you are dedicating yourself to that one person and one person only. Right. So here, I guess from your standpoint, what does monogamous relationship mean to you?

Kira [00:03:28] I mean, for me, because I married monogamy obviously means being married to one person, being in a committed relationship and having sex with one person.

Sherley [00:03:37] Absolutely. And I agree the same exact way. Now, I wanted to ask you, do you feel as though flirting is considered cheating?

Kira [00:03:47] I, I don’t. However, I think it depends on the situation. If it is with the clerk, you know, at the counter and you’re flirting and being, you know, a little overly friendly, I don’t feel like that’s cheating. If you’re having consistent conversations with a person, say, at work or a female friend or someone of the opposite sex and you’re flirting with them consistently, I feel like that’s inappropriate and could be considered like emotional cheating.

Sherley [00:04:15] OK. I totally can understand where you’re saying. I guess from my standpoint, how I look at it is, is there are people I realize that are extremely friendly.

Kira [00:04:24] Right.

Sherley [00:04:24] And that friendliness could be completely misguided and misunderstood and taken to the wrong interpretation.

Kira [00:04:33] Right.

Sherley [00:04:33] My opinion is flirting. Cheating. Yes. Flirting is cheating because it becomes cheating. When you legitimately know that you have feelings for this person and you are not keeping yourself at bay when you know it may be getting into that situation where you don’t want it to get to.

Kira [00:04:54] Right.

Sherley [00:04:55] So and that’s why I know you’re probably thinking like, well, what does this have to do with surviving a long term relationship? You know, normally I feel like when someone does cheat, it typically happens.

Sherley [00:05:06] Other than your home, where’s the other place that you are majority of the time in the workplace?

Sherley [00:05:13] Because when you’re not home, you’re in the workplace and you become really close with certain people at work. And that closeness, that little friendly. Hi, how are you doing? Let’s go to lunch together. Let’s do this. Let’s do that. It escalates to something completely different.

Sherley [00:05:31] So.

Kira [00:05:32] Absolutely inappropriate.

Sherley [00:05:35] Exactly becomes inappropriate. And that’s why, you know, cheating is never premeditated. You know, I realize that now.

Kira [00:05:41] you think so now.

Sherley [00:05:42] No, cheating is not premeditated, you know. It is.

Kira [00:05:45] I think. Yes, I think that.

Kira [00:05:49] Yes. Yes.

Sherley [00:05:51] You think people are just waking up and their planner and they’re like, OK. What am I going to do to disappoint Kira today?

Kira [00:05:58] Not necessarily in that language, but in the sense that it’s like maybe you’ve been cheated on and you want to get the person back.

Sherley [00:06:06] Oh, that’s where. OK. So, yes. In that sense. OK, so. All right.

Kira [00:06:11] Hey, I’m very tender. I’m going to post my pictures that are not on any other Web site. Right. I know you know catfish and you can drag and drop pictures. And I’m going to go out with the intention to find someone to cheat because I want to get my partner back. OK.

Sherley [00:06:26] In that sense, yes, I will agree with you. That’s. Yeah. I didn’t even think about it like that. So in that sense, if you were trying to get back at the person. Yes. Then cheating can be premeditated. But the first initial action is not premeditated. You don’t feel as though that’s for sure.

Kira [00:06:42] I feel like it can always be premeditated. This is why this is so good that we have these conversations, because our opinions are developed through. Our opinions are different right now. I totally think someone can be in a relationship with someone and know that, like, OK, I’m gonna hit this person up today because I want to see them and know what their intention is.

Sherley [00:07:02] OK. So I guess let me explain what I’m saying. So when I say premeditated. Do you feel as though when I use the word premeditated, what I’m trying to say is, do you think it’s derived upon hurting an individual? Or do you feel as though it’s derived upon. You know what? She pisses me off today, and I’m going to call that the person that she don’t want me to call.

Kira [00:07:26] I guess I should look up the definition of premeditated.

Sherley [00:07:29] Like premeditated is you are planning for days.

Kira [00:07:33] Right.

Sherley [00:07:34] To me.

Kira [00:07:35] Right.

Sherley [00:07:35] But other people might not think of it because the way you said it gets worse when you’re trying to get that person back. In that instance and I didn’t even think about it that way. You’re absolutely right it is premeditated.

Kira [00:07:46] Right.

Sherley [00:07:47] Because you are upset, you are hurt, and you want that person to feel the pain that you feel for what they did. So in that instance, yes, we can say cheating can be premeditated. But in the sense of I feel like when you two are together and just things start to go a little sour.

Kira [00:08:06] Yeah. It’s not the norm. I feel like it’s not the norm, Norm.

Sherley [00:08:10] Yeah, but, you know, these are things I feel like for new couples you need to be mindful of because these are situations that you have to be mindful of. Don’t allow yourself to be in situations where you’re literally gonna get caught up. That’s the best way that I explain it. You have to learn no one cares about your relationship other than you and your partner, not your friend at work.

Sherley [00:08:39] No one at work, not even your family member cares about your relationship more than you and your partner. So you have to be mindful of when to draw that line when friendly starts to get out of line. That’s when you have to scale it back.

Kira [00:08:52] Right.

Sherley [00:08:53] Because if your intent is not to do anything to hurt your partner or jeopardize your relationship, you have to be mindful when the scale it back. And I’m not trying to say you can’t be friendly which people are working out and go to drinks and do all that. But as human beings, we allow we put ourselves in situations that are completely uncalled for. And I have thought about it like this. You know how when you get their credit card and you don’t wreck their credit card?

Sherley [00:09:21] And now the credit card credit collectors are calling you and you dodgin them. This is what happens in a relationship where, you know, after the first couple months, after the first year, my sweet like it used to be. Now I have a little sour taste to your mouth. You wake up in the morning like, oh, I like the way you put the trash out. Why you got to throw a bag like that. And these are little things. Exactly. That start to bother you. And you’re like, what’s the problem? What you mean how I thought a bag. I’ll just put it in there. No, why can’t you just walk over here and put it in? These are little things that get on your nerves.  You know what we do. We go to work and there’s that, right? Yeah. they are going to sweeten up your day? Because you know why? Because I wouldn’t let them write about trash. I don’t have to worry about any bills that need to be paid. And that person that, you know, was throwing the trash the wrong way. Now you’ve got to ask them. So what? We’ve got to pay this money and these are the conversations that you don’t want to have. And I feel like this is what we do instead of trying to figure out how to keep this spark going.

Sherley [00:10:22] We get lazy, get bored, and we try to find other entertainment.

Kira [00:10:29] So I saw this message from this pastor who talked about barriers in relationships. And it was like one of the best messages I have heard. And to this day, I still think about it. I still share it with people. And he talked about how him and his wife has. Have set certain barriers in the relationship. He talks about the barrier that’s on the highway when you’re driving down 95 or you drive now whatever highway and that barrier keeps you from going over the edge. Right. You have to set those barriers in your relationship. So he said how him and his wife, he would never go out to lunch or have any kind of dinner or anything with a woman without another person there. That was a barrier, they said, in the relationship because he was a pastor. He gets calls often, you know, from people in the congregation, from women. He would either record the call or, you know, let them know that it was. Or, you know, play it so someone else can hear it. So there could never be any kind of confusion on what the conversation was or, you know, what the expectation was. And that really stuck out to me because every relationship needs to have the barriers that work for you, you know, between you and your partner. And like for me, I don’t feel like you need to exchange numbers with a woman when you’re married person or a married man. Mike, for what? What do you guys have to talk about?

Sherley [00:11:45] What do you mean by exchange numbers?

Kira [00:11:48] Like, I don’t feel like if you work with someone or if you have an old friend or acquaintance or something like that and you guys need to exchange numbers, I don’t feel like that’s appropriate and I don’t think it’s necessary.

Sherley [00:12:02] Oh, I see what you’re saying. OK.

Kira [00:12:04] For my relationship, like my husband should not be exchanging numbers with women because it’s not necessary. With social media, you can talk to people all the time. You don’t need to have his personal phone number.

Sherley [00:12:18] I don’t mind number exchange. It really depends on my partners thought process and why. Like you said. Why are you exchanging nothing?

Kira [00:12:31] Right.

Sherley [00:12:32] Like, for example, if you’re exchanging a number so we can have a double date.

Kira [00:12:38] No.

Sherley [00:12:38] You know, plan and something.

Kira [00:12:40] No,.

Sherley [00:12:40] I understand, you know. Oh, no. So you’re not down with that at all?

Kira [00:12:44] No. No.

Sherley [00:12:45] OK. And you know what? I can respect that. And that’s your barrier, is that this is why everyone’s relationship is different.

Kira [00:12:51] Exactly. So what works for me? What makes me comfortable or uncomfortable? What makes him more uncomfortable is between us, like those are the barriers for our relationship. And then you have the ones for yours. No you dont need nobodies phone number.

Sherley [00:13:05] And that brings to a good point of the next discussion is why it should only be you, your partner and God. Because by you bringing that up, that makes a lot of sense, because for you, that barrier is important. Now, the Kira you are today. Is this something you even thought about, let’s say, 10 years ago?

Kira [00:13:23] No, because I know I think I was naive in the sense of when you’re with me, you’re gonna be with me.

Kira [00:13:29] Like, why would you.

Sherley [00:13:30] Why did you do such a thing? Yeah. But that’s the thing. I think it’s women, too. We don’t set our guidelines upfront.

Sherley [00:13:37] You know, I didn’t understand when people used to say, you need to love yourself and you yourself need to be grounded and in a good place before you start a relationship. And these are all the reasons why, because we enter into relationship naive. We don’t set barriers like the pastor was saying.

Kira [00:13:55] Rght.

Kira [00:13:55] We just assume that this person’s already going to know what’s gonna hurt me, what’s not going to hurt me, what they should do, what they should not do.

Kira [00:14:03] Absolute.

Sherley [00:14:03] So when no discussion was made.

Kira [00:14:05] Absolute.

Sherley [00:14:06] You don’t know what I’m OK with. You don’t know why I’m not OK with.

Kira [00:14:09] Exactly.

Sherley [00:14:09] And we don’t do that in the beginning because what do we do? We quick to get in the bed with each other. We talk about little fluffy conversations. And I don’t we don’t go down to the nitty gritty.

Kira [00:14:18] You don’t want to seem to like. I don’t want to say crazy, but like over protective or controlling in a sense or, you know, not Letting, not letting them have their freedom. So you don’t bring it up when it’s really an issue for you because it sets the standard for what your expectation is on how to be treated in that relationship.

Sherley [00:14:36] I agree with what you say now. Young Sherley Young, stupid Sherley wouldn’t have bringing up now.

Kira [00:14:41] Absolutely.

Sherley [00:14:43] I’ve been with this man for over 20 years. But if I were not together Kira girl, my standards is high. So like I’m telling you everything at the door. You don’t like it. Tough shit. Like one way. I don’t care. I do not care. Listen, if you are uncomfortable with this and guess what? I guess it’s just not compatible because if you feel as though what I’m saying is a problem.

Kira [00:15:03] Right, And keep it moving.

Sherley [00:15:04] Then you already telling me at the door. Because we have to see it for what it is. You are already telling me that you are uncomfortable with this. If me telling you something as simple of I feel as though I should be able to just pick up your phone and look through it when I want. And if you feel as though something like that will make you less of a man or you got a problem with that. Right. Me at the door.

Kira [00:15:24] Right. Right.

Sherley [00:15:25] Tell me up front, because if that’s something I want to do, then maybe you just not the man for me, because there is a man out there that’s not going to have a problem with me just picking up his phone and looking at it and not have a hissy fit about it.

Kira [00:15:36] Right.

Sherley [00:15:37] Yeah, but we don’t do that upfront. We we wait till the crises come and then when the crises come, you know, women, we act like FBI agents because I’ve done it. So I’m speaking as a witness. And you looking for all the evidence.

Kira [00:15:51] And when you tell all your friends or you tell your mother.

Sherley [00:15:57] Exactly you tell everybody.

Kira [00:15:59] For me the hard part when I got married was to not tell my mom everything because we are so close. So when I would have issues with my husband or at that time when we were engaged or boyfriend, you know, I would be like, oh, he’s got on my nerves or how do I handle this situation? And once I got married, it was like, I can’t do that.

Sherley [00:16:18] You have to learn to set boundaries.

Kira [00:16:19] Yeah. Like you have to keep. Between you two and God.

Sherley [00:16:22] That’s your. I totally agree. Because even now, when Kalief and I went through our crisis, Kira if I can turn back time. There are certain people I wouldn’t even discuss it with.

Kira [00:16:34] Right.

Sherley [00:16:34] There were certain people that it was just not worth me having a conversation. But at that time, because I was just so weak and so sensitive, anybody that was willing to hear me.

Kira [00:16:45] Yeah, you were hurting.

Sherley [00:16:46] I was willing to just spill it out. Right. And, you know, my one friend, she said it best. We’ve been friends since kindergarten. And I came to her one time. I was so down and I was out. And, you know, when you go talk to people, you you expect them to have the answer, but they don’t have the answer. And a lot of times, instead of just them being honest with you. My friends said it’s plain and clear. She said, surely I will be an ear for you whenever you want me to. But I can tell you right now, girl, I first of all, the situation that you and I have an experience, so I can’t even say I can speak from a place of experience because I don’t even know what I would do if I was in that situation. And plus, on top of that, I don’t have the answer for you.

Kira [00:17:28] Right.

Sherley [00:17:28] You’re looking for. You have the answer. And you need to pray to God about it, because all I can do is just be that ear for you and just let you spill your guts. Other than that, I don’t have all the answers as she said it best.

Sherley [00:17:43] She said it best because there were people I will go talk to. And then they would ask me, girl, do you think he gonna do it again? What do you do you think I’m a psychic or something? Because I’m coming to you to talk to you. I don’t know. Do you think I want him to cheat again?

Sherley [00:17:55] What are you asking me.

Kira [00:17:56] That put so much more negative thoughts in your heads, something that you weren’t even thinking about. You’re trying to get over this situation and now you’re talking about it if he is going to do it again.

Sherley [00:18:04] That same question just activated a trigger.

Kira [00:18:07] Exactly.

Sherley [00:18:08] What is he going to do it again?

Kira [00:18:10] Exactly.

Sherley [00:18:13] Here I am trying to talk to you to calm my nerve.  You just basically opens up a whole floodgate. Now, I mean, you I think he gonna do it again. I don’t know.  So, yeah, that’s why it’s important that your relationship always needs to be.

Sherley [00:18:25] Now, please understand, because I know this can open up a whole new floodgate of other topics like. So surely what you’re trying to tell is that we can’t talk to your friends. No. You need to know what friends you need to talk to based on the crisis that you’re in.

Kira [00:18:43] Absolutely.

Sherley [00:18:44] Because there are certain friends that depending on your problem, you don’t need to go to because they’re my they are not going to offer good advice, you know.

Kira [00:18:55] Yep.

Sherley [00:18:55] And you may have to go to this friend over here because, you know, they’re going to give you a more solid response that makes a lot more sense than this friend. You have to know which friend to go to when you in that situation because all your friends doesn’t need to know everything in it.

Sherley [00:19:13] And it’s sad to say.

Kira [00:19:14] Sometimes it’s hard to keep in, especially with someone that you’re close to and trust that, you know, it’s going to give you sound advice that has wisdom, especially from a Christian standpoint for me. Like someone that I can go to that’s going to be like, OK, let’s go to God in prayer. You need to fast this. You need to read this scripture like someone like that. It’s hard to not have, like, this word vomit and spill up everything that you’re feeling about the person or what you’re going through. But when you have a good friend like that, they do what your friend did. And they redirect you back to God, like, OK,.

Sherley [00:19:49] Exactly.

Kira [00:19:49] I’m gonna do what I can with you right now. But you still gotta take this to God.

Sherley [00:19:53] Yeah. And that that is the most simplest response. Says she could it gave me because she was still being a friend and she wasn’t trying to x me out. Right. That she was. Let me know. I don’t have the answers. I don’t Sherley. I don’t. So don’t think that I do or I’m gonna tell you something that’s gonna make it all magical. I’m not.

Kira [00:20:13] Right.

Sherley [00:20:13] That alone. I respect because don’t feed me a whole bunch of nonsense. Just so you can make me feel better when, you know, healing takes time. Healing takes time. When you go through a crisis, regardless what the crisis may be healing, it’s time you can’t set a date or a time on it. So this is why it’s important that your relationship should always be between your partner and God and be very selective of who you discuss the information with, because the wrong friend will just send you down that path that you don’t even want to go down. I feel, you know, like even you. I know when I need to call you, especially when I need spiritual guidance. I know I’m gonna call Kira.

Kira [00:20:53] Right.

Sherley [00:20:54] Or I’ll call my other friend. There are other friends when I need that spiritual guidance.

Kira [00:20:57] Right.

Sherley [00:20:58] I’m not calling them right. I know they’re not in a spiritual place. So I’m dialing your number.

Kira [00:21:03] Right.

Kira [00:21:03] And I know it’s no love lost. Like, I still love you, but I know that there’s a reason that I’m in. You can’t help me.

Sherley [00:21:10] Exactly. You just can’t do nothing for me. So I. I’ll contact you at all. So the next question that we’re gonna get into is do not create false thinking and put your partner on a pedestal. So what that means to me is at one point my partner sat higher on the pedestal than I did.

Kira [00:21:31] That is deep Sherley.

Sherley [00:21:33] Yeah, I know my partner set higher on the pedestal than me. And, you know, when I look back and think about that. That’s awful.

Kira [00:21:41] Yeah.

Sherley [00:21:42] It is awful that I was put in him before myself. And I think that’s why when a crisis happened, I was even more crushed than I absolutely need to be.

Kira [00:21:54] You fell apart.

Sherley [00:21:56] Completely broke because he set higher up on the pedestal. And then I think after me after him was me and then got oh, when that order was completely wrong, I should have been God, me and then him. That’s but that’s not how the order was. The order was him. And it was just, you know, I don’t know why I did that. And I don’t have an answer. That’s not how it should be. You know, and I know everybody is not spiritual, so I don’t want to feel like, oh, it needs to be God. It needs to be your needs to partner. It needs to be you above.

Kira [00:22:30] Always first.

Sherley [00:22:31] Always. You know, you have to put yourself first in your relationship, because that goes back to saying that if you don’t love yourself, then there’s no way that you can really, truly have a healthy relationship with somebody, because if you were hurt emotionally, financially or spiritually, it’s going to overflow into your relationship. So we have to be mindful of putting someone higher than yourself because it’s going to be detrimental in the long run. And, you know, for anybody who is starting new relationships, please always remember that communication is important from the beginning.

Kira [00:23:10] Right.

Sherley [00:23:10] Please do not feel as though you’re going to be judged, as Kira had said. If you set however you want to word it, your barriers, your standards, your requirements up front at the door, the person who is meant to be in your life is not going to see those things as obstacles. The person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. This is something from their point of view, this is I guess you can think about it. This is how they need to be loved because remember. And, you know, in future Podcast, you’re gonna hear always hear me say this and you’ve always heard me say this on the blog. Everyone’s love language is different,.

Kira [00:23:48] Right.

Sherley [00:23:48] So who are you trying to dictate what’s comfortable for your partner?

Kira [00:23:53] Absolutely.

Sherley [00:23:55] You know, I think that person knows what’s best for them. So you can’t argue with them if they tell you they’re not comfortable with this or they’re not comfortable with that. You just need to find a medium ground to see, OK, how can we make this work where it’s a comfortable ground for the both of us, where I’m meeting your needs, I’m meeting my needs, and we’re coming together as one. Someone may say something to you and you’re gonna be like when I don’t know how I feel comfortable about that, but we have to find a happy medium and it is able to be found. It’s just we have to be able to have adult discussions about it. Don’t run away from a conversation. Don’t you know, make your partner feel as though their request is unreal. Now I’m in. I think what is required to be unreal.

Kira [00:24:44] I mean, I think if you know the person that you’re dealing with as far as like you’ve been dating them for a while and you have set or even in the beginning when you set these expectations, there is no room for confusion. So if I’m saying are we exclusive, you’re like, yeah, we’re exclusive. So I don’t expect you to be going on dates with anyone else because we are exclusive. Obviously that and put it out there in a sentence and then it’s clear to the other person. So there’s no confusion. So that way, me saying we’re exclusive. And then my friend says, oh, I saw someone out on Saturday with this girl at the bar. And then I find out you guys are work friends or whatever the cases.

Kira [00:25:26] No,.

Sherley [00:25:27] I agree. No is right. And that goes along the line with communication.

Kira [00:25:31] That’s for me.

Sherley [00:25:31] Did you tell me.

Kira [00:25:32] I mean, this is and I’m speaking obviously from what my expectations have been in my relationship, you know, that I’m in now, obviously now prior relationships. I wasn’t always that clear, obviously, and straightforward. You know, when you’re younger and you’re more naive, you don’t you’re not up for yourself in that kind of way. But. After being cheated on for however many times my ex cheated on me with however many people, you just get to a point where it’s like, OK, I’m going to set the precedents. Now, at the beginning of what my expectations are and what I will and will not tolerate.

Sherley [00:26:11] Completely agree that that is important.

Sherley [00:26:14] And even me being the victim and the perpetrator standards are important to set upfront, because like you said, if I tell you that we are exclusive, then why are you having a dinner date with that person?

Kira [00:26:27] And this is this may not bother someone else, this may not bother a listener or as you know, this may not bother a friend of mine or, you know, whatever. But for me personally, because of my past experience in a relationship where I was cheated on and it hurt so, so bad like going forward.

Kira [00:26:43] That’s not something that I’m going to put up with.

Sherley [00:26:47] Do you feel as though a crisis changed things? And now see what you say? I’ll tell you what I mean by crisis. Change things. Do you feel as though like. A dinner date in the past probably wouldn’t have been an issue. But then she went through your crisis.

Sherley [00:27:03] It now has made you look at things differently.

Kira [00:27:06] Because I know, like we were saying earlier, cheating can be premeditated or it can just happen over time. And so if you start having these intimate hangouts.

Sherley [00:27:19] Yes. Yes. With that intimate hangout.

Kira [00:27:23] Like I would say, hang out because it could be dinner. It could be going to the movies. Going bowling, like if it’s you guys one on one. That leaves a lot of room for things to get inappropriate, even if that’s not your intention, because you’re you’re creating a space of intimacy between you and the other person.

Sherley [00:27:42] That goes along the line with the numbers being shared, as you said.

Sherley [00:27:47] No. That’s how it all starts.

Kira [00:27:49] That’s how it starts. As soon as you mad at me about something, now you’re in your phone here and I’m so-and-so or the person you know that you work with or whoever your friend is, because I made you upset and now you have this backup that you can, you know, vent to. I feel like, you know, that always goes to the question, can men and women be friends?

Sherley [00:28:10] You see, I think they can.

Kira [00:28:12] I totally think that they can. But when you’re in a relationship. The standards between that friendship changes.

Sherley [00:28:19] Yes.

Kira [00:28:19] It does.

Sherley [00:28:20] It does.

Kira [00:28:20] It like I have a really good guy friend. Him and I were very, very close. And when I got engaged, I had to pull back a little bit from him. I felt like the stuff that I was sharing with him, I should have been sharing with my husband. Why should I? I’ve been sharing with the person I was engaged to. We’re still friends today. He’s married now. I’m married now. But we’re not as close as we were. And this also goes with, like, people who come into your life for seasons. I think it’s possible for men and women to be friends for sure. Having creating that intimate space with you and a person of the opposite sex is not. I feel like it could be a recipe for disaster, especially based on what has happened to me in the past in my relationship.

Sherley [00:29:00] Yeah, I do agree that it can be a recipe for disaster. And our listeners, I know there’s going to be some, you know, oh, my wife, I’m going to tell me to give up my best friend because there might be men out there listening that have a female best friend, women especially. You know, this is geared towards you. You may have a male best friend and we’re not telling you to end that relationship.

Kira [00:29:20] Right.

Sherley [00:29:20] That’s not what we’re trying to convey through this message of, you know, how to make a relationship last for this podcast today. You need to be respectful towards your partner in every move that you make. We still have barriers, we still have barriers like, you know, he understands like there are certain things that are not OK that you should not do that. I didn’t set that precedence before, as you said. You know, that’s why it’s like now, as you said, if you do have that opposite sex friend, that was really your close friend. For those of you who are just starting a relationship, as Kira said, you do have to scale back. And if that friend is a good friend, they will understand and respect your decision.

Kira [00:30:04] You’re scaling good, out of respect for the relationship that you’re in.

Sherley [00:30:08] Exactly. We just have to be mindful for those of you starting a new relationship. Number one, don’t be naive. There will be crisis. You don’t know when that crisis is gonna be. You don’t know how big or small that crisis is going to be. But just know that that person who professes their love to you and vow would never hurt you. You really don’t know what’s gonna happen,.

Kira [00:30:34] You know man, surely that is sorry to cut you off.

Sherley [00:30:38] No, no, you’re fine.

Kira [00:30:41] When you said that, it made me think of outside of setting what your expectations are at the beginning. I feel like being vulnerable, too, is really important because I think had I had shared what had happened with my ex, who had cheated on me several times with several different people and how broken my really heartbroken I was by that situation. If I had shared that with the next person, they would have known certain things would trigger me.

Sherley [00:31:09] Yes.

Kira [00:31:09] And they would have treated me a lot more delicately when it came to certain things in our relationship. Does that make sense?

Sherley [00:31:16] It does makes sense.

Kira [00:31:17] Had I been more vulnerable in the beginning and told them like, OK, this is what I’ve been through, you know, instead of always trying to be so strong like you. Well, he cheated on me and then eventually like it was over. But it took a long time for me to get over that.

Sherley [00:31:31] And that’s a problem. Women, we just try to we we try to be so strong. Men don’t know how to back down. We feel as though being a little too vulnerable is weakness. Knock on show that man our weakness. We know you just let him know we even a little bothered.

Kira [00:31:47] Right.

Sherley [00:31:48] As you know. Oh, you could go at any time.

Kira [00:31:51] Exactly. That was my whole, like, attitude. Like if you don’t want me someone else will.

Sherley [00:31:55] You know, we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, be honest, communicate, you know, that’s why you can’t start a relationship when you hurt, but we’ll do it all the time, we do it all the time.

Kira [00:32:06] Yeah, we do it on and try to fill the void. And that goes back to, like, you know, talking to people who are spiritual and say that you’re trying to fill that void and that void needs to be filled with God. Like, that’s exactly who can fill it, especially when you’re heartbroken.

Sherley [00:32:18] Especially, you know, a reason why I have to say that I’m probably arrested was because a lot of times of prayer, my days was dark.

Kira [00:32:27] Same.

Sherley [00:32:28] Dark days that my friends could not fill. Conversation that I just couldn’t have with them. Tears that I just had the cry to God to.

Kira [00:32:35] I mean, I’m going to be transparent and say, like, you know, we’re going through a crisis in our relationship right now. There are times where I struggle with I want to humiliate you.

Sherley [00:32:45] Yeah, I felt the same way.

Kira [00:32:46] You know, what I wanted to do were we feel humiliated on the inside. And no one else knows about it or only a few people know about it that I want to humiliate you.

Sherley [00:32:54] Yep, I know that same feeling.

Kira [00:32:57] Oh my God. When I start feeling llike that. I have to like, pray and like Kira.

Sherley [00:33:01] That’s all you have to do because it’s a feeling that takes over for the moment. You know, it’s it’s that little voice in your ear gril you. What do you do? Yeah. You just go let them get away with that. Don’t you know, you got to get back at him.

Kira [00:33:17] It is a struggle and therapy has helped. I’m not going to lie. Therapy has really helped with that. And so has being in my Bible and praying and listening some music and doing your self care things to do.

Kira [00:33:28] Yeah, take your mind off of it.

Sherley [00:33:29] Yeah you have to fine out because everyone’s self care is different.

Kira [00:33:33] Exactly.

Sherley [00:33:34] I totally agree. And too is the barriers as we were just overfull just talking about. But that is number two. So no one is not. And not to be naive. Number two is set your barriers in the beginning. And don’t be scared to set the barriers. Kira and I discussed before with the pastor and you know, how he has set barriers in his marriage, you know, set barriers from the get go in your relationship. And don’t be scared to do so.

Kira [00:34:03] Absolutely.

Sherley [00:34:03] Cause that right person who’s supposed to be for you, those barriers are not going to deter hear them from being in your life. They’re going to figure out how to make this work for the both of you.

Kira [00:34:17] Right.

Sherley [00:34:17] So, you know, ladies and men, for those of you who are, listen, set these barriers upfront. And number three, remember, everyone does not care about your relationship. So you’ll be mindful of what you share with people.  So to everyone does not care about your relationship. 20 years later, over 20 plus years later, I’m realize that not everybody gives a rat’s butt about what’s going on in your relationship.

Kira [00:34:43] Girl I am like six, seven years in and I already know that. They don’t care.

Sherley [00:34:46] Yeah, Girl I recent, maybe I would say maybe I find that on the last 10 years that, you know, everybody don’t care about your relationship. And that’s why cheating take place, because you have those human beings that don’t give two craps.

Kira [00:34:57] Right.

Sherley [00:34:58] You know, so that’s why cheating is it’s been happening. It’s happening now. And it’s always going to happen.

Kira [00:35:03] Right.

Sherley [00:35:03] So, you know, be mindful of who you share, what you share with everybody at your job. Don’t need to go. What’s going on? If you manage a lady, you manage a man. Keep it to yourself and just don’t bring it to work because people do not care. They don’t know what respect, you know. So the one tip we wanted to give today is I wanted to offer the love language minute. And this is by Gary Chapmon the five Love Languages. Yes, we love him because if you haven’t read the Love Languages book, you need to definitely read that you and your couple need to get together, find out what your love language is, because you might be surprised to realize, oh, this is how I receive love.

Kira [00:35:48] What’s your look, Sherley?

Sherley [00:35:49] Tap three. Well. OK. So all five of minds are words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time receiving gifts. So my top three are words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. That’s how I want to receive love. Yes. Those last for me, believe it. You have a problem with your son touching you too, for too long.  So those are my top three.  I realize I thought it would have been quality time and receiving gifts, but I only got three years for them.

Kira [00:36:24] Yeah, my top two are quality time and acts of service.

Sherley [00:36:25] But receiving gifts.  I’m not that woman though.

Kira [00:36:31] Yeah, I’m not either.

Sherley [00:36:32] Because to me I feel like you just trying to keep me quiet when you buy me something. So don’t bring that over here. No. You need I believe I do something planned something because now you have to think about doing something.

Kira [00:36:44] Acts of service.

Sherley [00:36:46] Exactly. So those are my five and my top three. But yes. So you know, the name of this book is. Love language minutes, it will be at the bottom of the information of this podcast with links. If you need to, but this book is three hundred and sixty five days. It’s a you read is like a big part of it. Yeah. So it’s every day you read a bit some pieces of it. But this book has given me life, has made me look at things differently, have made me also better understand myself and my relationship and look at my partner differently and stop trying to put everything in this perfection box and also allowed me the opportunity to work on myself. Because I had to fix myself before I even worried about fixing my relationship because I was a completely damaged female.

Sherley [00:37:39] Yeah. And I started the relationship all corrupted and wrong. And now we’re getting at a healthy place, you know. And it’s crazy because I’m like, wow, 20 years we’ve been together. And I’m saying now we’ve been in a healthy place. We’ll look at people who’ve been together 40, 50 years. You know, so we’re only halfway through a girl who’s halfway through.

Sherley [00:38:02] And you just the toddler.

Kira [00:38:02] I am a newborn. And I’m having tantrums right now.  I’m like having a tantrum.

Sherley [00:38:11] She said, I’m having a tantrum. We are definitely going to be wrapping up for this podcast. We appreciate you guys listening.  I always want to end to always say, be yourself, voice yourself, love yourself. And as always, from Kira and I, have a blessed day till next podcast. Thank you guys, bye!

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