How To Love Your Partner

How to love your partner? Loving your partner can be difficult. We are not taught how to love in school. Loving unconditionally is learned in the real world over time. It’s confusing and there will be bumps in the road as you navigate what your loved ones react well to. Why is loving your partner so hard? Well, we all want to be loved differently. So how do we love differently? In this episode, we discuss how to understand the best ways to love your partner and different ways to think about the love languages that we may already be familiar with.

How to Love Your Partner Podcast Discussion:

1. The five love languages 
2. Understanding how your partner wants to be loved 
3. Loving yourself 

Also read: How To Learn Your Partner’s Love Language

Kira is my co-host for Season 1, she is a recently furloughed flight attendant, current stay at home mom, and former hairstylist. She has committed her time to helping people on the ground all around the world, learning how to be a better ally, and making change in her communities. Originally from New Jersey, she resides in Texas with her husband and very active toddler.

What are your thoughts from the show?  Please share in the comments.

Mentions on the show:

5 Love Languages

Gary Chapman Podcasts

Quizzes

Transcript Below

Femme Parler Podcast is learning and growing every single day. We aim to uplift all marginalized voices both on this podcast and in real life. Please note that we are always striving to change the problematic language that society has internalized in us. Thank you for your patience as we aim to strip certain phrases from our vocabulary. Thank you. 

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Transcript

Transcripts are the conversations from the podcast which may contain a few errors/typos.  It can be difficult to catch all errors, especially if two people are speaking at the same time.  Please enjoy the conversation and if you have any questions email us at feedback@femmeparler.com

Season 1 Episode 07

Sherley [00:00:10] All right, everybody, welcome back to Femme Parler Season one, Episode seven. Today, we are going to be talking about how to love your partner. Now, loving your partner can be difficult. Managing a relationship is not something that is taught in a class, especially from first to 12th grade. You have no idea of what to do when it comes to a relationship. Why is loving your partner so hard? Starting the relationship can be confusing for some. And in this podcast today, I will focus on how to love your partner and how they should be loved and help you love the right way. Stay tuned.

Sherley [00:01:08] All right, everyone, welcome back. So how to love your partner a relationship, as we all know, is not taught in school from what preschool to 12th grade. You’re just pretty much doing your best. And then, you know, you have a little when you get into high school, usually around 13 or 14, that’s when you start having feelings for other people. Once you get to college. Now, that’s a whole different platform we’re talking about before college, before you even an adult, when you’re a child, you have no idea what to do. That’s what makes it in my opinion. That’s why I use the term confusing, because a relationship is self-taught. You don’t even know what the five love languages are until sometimes even after your first or second relationship. There are people that have no idea, even till this day, what that is. You know, you’re entering into now your third or fourth relationship and you’re just now discovering it. And if I can speak for myself, I didn’t realize until almost about 10 years into my relationship what the five love languages are. And that alone, in my opinion, I feel it’s detrimental because what was I doing all those 10 years? I was loving my partner to my to the best of my abilities or how I want to receive love. And obviously, that’s not what my partner wanted. When I when we realized with the five love languages are and we both took the test, things were different. What I expected was different. What he wanted was not what truly I was giving. What are the five love languages?

Sherley [00:02:44] So there are five of them. There’s words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. So we are going to touch on each of those today. And I want you to keep in mind how to love your partner. What we’re focusing on is figuring out how your partner needs to be loved and I also want to say that Gary Chapman also has a test. I shouldn’t say a test gets kind of like a little quiz or questionnaire that you can take.  You and your partner can take together to figure out how both of you want to receive love. And I will put that information down at the top at the bottom of the podcast. That way, you and your partner can take it. And if you don’t already know. And you can definitely see how your partner wants to receive love. It might be shocking because maybe how you’ve been doing it. Maybe you thought buying gifts was what your partner wanted when actuality. All they wanted was quality time.

Kira [00:03:49] So so basically, Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages Exam. And that’s how he came up with this whole concept. And that’s what the quiz is based on.

Sherley [00:03:59] The first one, we’re going to discuss his words of affirmation. What is words of affirmation recognition through the right words? And I’m going to read to you what I have here. All of us could do with a little more appreciation, right? Positive words are or appreciation goes a long way in showing that you are really noticing your partner. If your significant other is wearing something nice or flaunting a new hairstyle appreciate it. However, the point is to be genuine. Don’t just say something is good when you don’t mean it, because your partner will soon get through your insincerity, including cards or love notes are also great things to do. So let’s focus on that. Words of affirmation. I feel like may come easier for women than it does for men, because I think sometimes men will say things just to make our significant other happy. Especially if you know. You know what? I’m not going to try to start an argument with her. So let me just say the dress looks nice when it really doesn’t figure out how to be genuine. I have to say that it’s very hard for some people because how do I let you down nicely, even though I know you really like this dress. But if I tell you, honey, it’s ugly, then I’m going to get the third degree and I’m going to feel like I’m on trial here because. What do you mean it’s ugly? What don’t you like when you say words of affirmation to somebody genuinely mean it, even if it’s something as simple of. Honey, thank you for making us dinner today. But these are things that in a relationship, we become so complacent and we don’t do after the days, in the weeks and the months and the years go by, we don’t stay consistent and we stop showing our partner that little small appreciation that matters, even if that’s not somebodies primary way of accepting love. But every human on the face of this earth appreciates a kind word being said to them. We lack doing that in our relationship. I know I do. I don’t say enough. I don’t show my partner. I appreciate him enough. Even know when I know I should. But you have so many emotions take over. Wouldn’t you agree, Kira?

Kira [00:06:16] Yeah, it’s interesting because this is my husband’s love language and it’s very challenging for me in this sense because I don’t need that kind of affirmation. So for me to express love in this way to him, you know, to make him feel loved has been challenging for me. It’s also the other end of the spectrum, too. I feel like words hurt more to him. I could say the same thing to someone else and they their feelings won’t be hurt by it. But if I say it to him, it can cause a serious emotional reaction. So in the same way that words can be very positive for them, if they’re negative, it can be also really hurtful. Trying to give someone words of a appreciation everyday is really challenging.

Sherley [00:07:06] It is challenging.

Kira [00:07:08] Like literally that’s how that’s what they want to hear. Like, oh my gosh, you’re doing so well. You’re such a great dad. Thank you so much for taking out the trash. I really appreciate that you did that. Like. But I mean, it’s like ongoing.

Sherley [00:07:20] It is what I say every day. I mean, everyone’s different. For me, I don’t want to hear it every day.

Kira [00:07:26] But is that your love language? I feel like we should probably say what our love languages are.

Sherley [00:07:31] I’ll pull my hands up for you. I don’t know. Minds by heart. I guess my brain. You’re a friendly girl. It’s a shame I have too much going on. I’ve got to make room for other stuff in this little mind. The mind safley. No mine or yours by heart.  You told me last time I don’t remember which episode you were. You was already grilling me is like, oh my God, you don’t know it.

Kira [00:07:51] Yes, I was. Because I’m like, you have to know how you express and receive love. Well, well, I’ll start since I know what minds are.  My love language is acts of service. My second one was quality time. My third one was words of affirmation. My fourth one was receiving gifts. My fifth one is physical touch. So in that order.

Sherley [00:08:12] Gotcha. So my five. And I can easily access Ms. KIra. My number one. My top one is words of affirmation. You have no idea.

Kira [00:08:23] OK, but you said you don’t want to hear it. Hear it every day. But that is your love language.

Sherley [00:08:26] I don’t want to hear it every day. And I want to hear it in different forms. It does not always have to come through in word, even a text message, even an e mail.

Kira [00:08:35] So afterwards of affirmation, what was an act of service?

Sherley [00:08:39] Such physical touches three quality time seeking gifts.  The receiving gifts is less.

Kira [00:08:45] OK. I find it interesting that your love language is words of affirmation and you don’t feel like you need to hear the words every day, but that you’re open to receiving the words of affirmation in a text or in an email or a handwritten note or a card.  That’s all good for you.

Sherley [00:09:02] Yeah.

Kira [00:09:03] That’s. good to know.

Sherley [00:09:04] Because to me, that tells me you’re in the moment for me. That gives me the signal you are in the moment. You are taking time of your busy day to acknowledge something you appreciate about me.

Kira [00:09:18] So it’s right in and spoken words of affection, not just spoken. I like that. And I never actually really thought to consider that. I’m sure I read it.

Sherley [00:09:28] You said that so sarcastically. I’m sure I read it.

Kira [00:09:33] I mean, I’m sure I did. I’ve read that book more than once. It’s still there.  But, yeah, that’s that’s actually very Eye-Opening for me, especially because my partners love languages, words of affirmation.

Sherley [00:09:44] So, you know, you can maybe try different things because like you said, if maybe and I feel like sometimes when you’re with that person all the time, you say things in a way that you may not even conscious, consciously realizing how you’re projecting to your partner. A little note or a little text can really make that person’s day because they’ll come through a lot softer. Yeah, there’s ways you can incorporate it. And eventually, you know, he’ll let you know if he likes notes, if you don’t like notes. But this is true. Yeah. Yeah. Your first one is acts of service. So, of course, you’re just like me. You want things done around the house and stuff Kira.

Kira [00:10:26] I want I want you to help mean take initiative and show me that you care and take part of the load in. Yeah.

Sherley [00:10:37] OK. He doesn’t even need to say anything. He just needs to do.

Kira [00:10:40] Right. Like the fact that he cooks and he cooks very well and I feel like he takes pride in making dinner for me. Or if I’m like, oh my gosh, I really want to try this banana tarte tatin for my birthday. You know? And not really thinking he’s going to make it. And he makes it like that, speaking my love language, because it’s not just going out and buying a store bought cake. It’s like taking the time to research the recipe, to buy the ingredients, to make something you’re not familiar with, because I mentioned that I wanted it.

Sherley [00:11:15] And do you take the time to thank him for his work through words of affirmation, since that’s his number one?

Kira [00:11:22] I’m working on it.

Sherley [00:11:23] Working on it.

Kira [00:11:24] I mean, it’s a it’s it’s it’s I’m not going to lie. It’s it’s not easy for me to do because I don’t need that kind of affirmation. So for me, it’s hard to speak that language when it’s not something that I’m familiar with as far as receiving love in that way. Does that make sense?

Sherley [00:11:41] No, it definitely makes sense because how someone receive love is not supposed to come easy for you.

Kira [00:11:47] Right?

Sherley [00:11:48] Yeah. You know, but this is this is the good work that a relationship takes.  Like I’ve heard people say, a relationship should be work, whether that’s because you’re putting a negative connotation on it. Anything can be seen as negatively. But a relationship involves work.

Kira [00:12:06] Yeah. And a relationship is not 50/50 either.

Sherley [00:12:09] And there are days and times and months where it’s literally gonna be almost 80, 20. Yeah. And you all look at it. When is this shift gonna turn around? Because I’m getting exhausted.

Kira [00:12:18] Yeah. That’s true. OK.

Sherley [00:12:22] And OK. So we covered your first one. Your second one, you said, is quality time.

Kira [00:12:27] Yeah. So let’s talk about quality time.

Sherley [00:12:29] What are the things you like to do. Like where do you when you say quality time, you want to go out on dates on a constant basis or you want to stay home, watch movies.

Kira [00:12:38] All of the above.  I want no, seriously, like it’s I remember when we were dating, we laughed at this one because we were dating long distance. Right. So at one point, my husband was stationed in South Korea, which was a 13 hour, I believe, if I remember correctly, time difference. So if my love language is quality time, how do you manage that in a long distance relationship with a 13 hour time difference?

Sherley [00:13:07] Prime example of what you were just said had just said about sometimes it’s not 50/50 and you have to adjust for your partner.

Kira [00:13:15] Exactly. But you get creative. Right. So I think I told you, like, we would send each other videos and talk about the day because literally there was a very small window. It would be like when I was waking up, he was going to bed. When I’m going to bed. He’s waking up. So it’s was a very short window where we had enough time to talk because I was working. He was working. And quality time for me was like making the time to be present or making taking the time to, like, send me a video. Right. Or tell me about your day or stay up late when you’re really tired and play a game with me online like, you know, just simple stuff like, OK, we’re going to watch the same movie together and we’re both dog tired, but we’re going to do it and make the sacrifice because, you know, he knows that this is what I need. I need the quality time. I need the acts of service.

Sherley [00:14:01] That’s very creative, I guess sending each other the videos and stuff or watching a movie together online same time, but watching the same movie.

Kira [00:14:10] I mean, if it was a total that time difference was crazy damn joke. But we did it. It was hard. It was really hard. I always tell people, like from the beginning, like he’s only known me as a flight attendant. So I would say we had known each other maybe eight months before he got orders to go to Korea. So our whole relationship, in a way, had been long distance. Right. Because I was living in New Jersey. He was living in D.C., I was a flight attendant. It was just like we were all we always had that distance between us. But then when it changed to the whole Korea thing, it made it much more challenging to find these creative ways to speak each other’s love languages. But once he got back, you know, if I’m think if I’m saying, like, present day, you’re together, you’re in the same house. Quality time is like like you say, watching, watching a movie, cooking breakfast together, going for a walk together. I like going for walks, literally, like I will go for a walk anytime. And sometimes we don’t even really talk about anything, but we’re just walking together, going out to eat. Going bowling. Going to do something new together. Traveling. I love to travel with him. I feel like he’s my best travel buddy in the sense that I like to experience new things with him because he can be spontaneous. But yeah, quality time like being present, not with your phone.

Sherley [00:15:22] That’s hard.

Kira [00:15:23] Yeah.

Sherley [00:15:24] I’m a read here. Quality time together. For some people, being together is all that you want. Maybe it is apparently not much just watching a movie together, as Kira just said, or an impromptu date night as it does not really have to be an elaborate or fancy affair. But what matters is spending some quality time with each other’s company. What’s most important is being there not just physically but also emotionally.

Kira [00:15:52] No phone.

Sherley [00:15:55] Which means paying real attension. When you are talking, instead of constantly checking your cell phone or laptop or even watching TV, a one that is listening to you, but you’re not giving me eye contact, you’re not being present.  So, yeah. And then we’ll go soon to focus on the top three for. So my third one is physical touch and let me just I know here I am, no physical touch.  Let me just read what I have here. A simple hug kiss is often the best expression. You don’t always need words to express your feelings, do you? Chances are your partner won’t walk up to you and say the love language that appeals to him or her the most. Then how will you know what he or she wants? By observing. When you are close to someone, you often start understanding each other even without being explicit about things. Just put in a little effort decoding your partner’s likes and dislikes. So that just goes in to basically I just went into a little deeper with touch. But we don’t. I mean, we already know what touches holding hands, kissing, even something as simple as sitting close to each other when watching a movie at home, of course, because that would be hard if you’re in a movie theater. It could be something as simple as reading a book together, entangling your feet and playing footsies when you were little, the smallest little act because you don’t really realize what skin to skin contact really does to you emotionally. It’s huge.  You know, for me it is.

Kira [00:17:32] It makes, me like itch, so.

Sherley [00:17:34] It makes you crawl on the ass on it.  When we first met you, I gave you a hug. You handle it well. You know how to turn it off and on. And you’re not creepy about it.

Kira [00:17:42] And I would never be, like, disrespectful about it because I know it’s coming. Most of the time from, like, a kind please. But that’s a whole other topic.

Sherley [00:17:50] So that is my third. And, you know, that’s pretty self-explanatory. I just like to have some type of skin to skin contact for me. We don’t have to be all cuddly, cuddly and intertwine with each other. I just need some type of skin to skin when we are, you know, when we’re spending that time together. What’s your third?

Kira [00:18:09] I can’t remember if it’s words of affirmation or is or receiving gifts.

Sherley [00:18:14] Look who lost her memory after she was just scolding me. Figure it out now.

Kira [00:18:18] I was getting so caught up in the physical touch that I made you lose. It made me forget what I was, what it is. Let’s just say it’s. Let’s say it’s receiving gifts.

Sherley [00:18:30] That’s important to you. Like a Tiffany bracelet. Every so often is nice.

Kira [00:18:34] Not that’s not my style. My idea of receiving gifts as far as like love language. Like, for example, this is my sister’s primary love language. OK, Melody or Taylor Melody. So not only does she like to receive gifts, she also likes to express love that way. When I always think about her and how it also applies to me, if I’m out at Target or something and I see something that reminds me of her, I’ll buy it. She’ll ask for it. But I know, like, she’s going to like it is going to make her feel loved. You know what I’m saying. So for me it’s like if you’re out. If you’re traveling, you’re somewhere not at home or familiar and you see something that you think I would like. I would like you to buy it and bring it back to me. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive. It can be a journal. It can be a candle. It can be, I don’t know, a book. I love books that kind of way. Not not in the sense of that when it’s my birthday. I want this huge elaborate gift. Oddly enough, I feel like that is oh way that my husband likes to express love. If we have an argument, not unlikely for me to receive a gift shortly after that.

Sherley [00:19:43] And I don’t give two craps about receiving anything and I put a negative connotation on it because I always think of is there ulterior motive to you getting this, which is awful.

Kira [00:19:53] See, I think that people who who do speak that love language feel like you were thinking about them too. So my gosh, like you thought about me enough to go out and purchase or order online, you know, whatever, to get me this gift that, you know, is going to make me happy.  Or you don’t like you’re surprising me with something that’s totally different.

Sherley [00:20:13] You know, it just goes to show you that the reason I wanted to touch on this is this. As we end this little section before we move on to our other questions is as human beings, we are so different. Her sister’s primary love language is receiving gifts. Whereas me, I don’t want you to buy the vacuum cleaner. I want you to vacuum. So it just goes to show you that we really have to understand how to show our partner the love that they deserve. Want and need. It will definitely be a benefit in your relationship. So take the time to definitely take that test together. So that way you two can really get to know each other on a deeper level. So the next thing we have. Is do you know how your partner wants to be loved? And we already covered that.  And it’s important that, you know, because that’s why that tests you have to take it, because especially if you are just starting a relationship. If you’ve been in a relationship in a long time, you should be able to know how your partner wants to be. Love what their top three is. Five of them are going to give you numbers next to it. They want to focus on the top three because that’s their important one. And please, when you’re taking this test, don’t just skim through it and run through it and answer the questions half ass.

Kira [00:21:29] Yeah. I don’t think about it.

Sherley [00:21:31] Yes. Because if you don’t truthfully take this test, then you are not generally going to know how you want to receive love.

Kira [00:21:41] And there’s no judgment. If you’d like to receive gifts, you like to receive gifts, that doesn’t make you materialistic at all. That’s just the lovely rose that you speak. And maybe you didn’t get a lot of gifts as a child. I don’t know. We know there’s lots of reasons. But, yeah, just answer them truthfully.

Sherley [00:21:55] True. Do you love yourself? The last question, and I know some might say, well, what the heck does this have to do with loving my partner? And the reason I wanted to discuss this is because there was a point in time and I’ll use myself as an example. I’ve said this before and you will hear it probably again is my partner was on a higher pedestal than me. Not that I didn’t love myself, but I had everything all wrong. I was putting him before myself.  I was making sure he was happy and not making sure I was OK. I was making decisions based off of his happiness. You have to be mindful of the decisions you make in your relationship. If you are not comfortable or happy with are happy about something. Speak about it. Bring it up. Be real in your relationship. Don’t be somebody that you are not.  It’s not fair to number one you and it’s not fair to your partner because you’re not loving yourself properly. You’re neglecting yourself. I guess if I could give you an example when I say, do you love yourself? It could be something as simple as take care of yourself. It could be either getting a massage on a monthly basis, getting your nails done, getting your feet done, something that you like to do, take care of yourself. Do not expect your partner to worry about your self care, because when I was younger, I used to do that. Oh, he. Why don’t you ever offer to get my nails done? And one person said to me, why does it matter if he offers to get your nails done, why dont you do it. Then why don’t you do what? I asked my boyfriend and like, I had no real reason.

Kira [00:23:31] Because you thought that I was a role he’s supposed to fill.  Yeah. I mean, we’re kind of taught that. But again, that’s a whole nother episode. And I think when I hear that question, what I think about is that phrase that people say a lot of times when they’re in relationships that you complete me and he makes me so happy.  Those phrases really bugged me because I don’t think any person should completely complete you. I think the only person that complete can complete anyone is God. No one else is responsible for your happiness besides you. So when you’re in a relationship with someone and things are going great, you’re responsible for your happiness when things are going bad. You are so responsible for your happiness. That is the way that you show love to yourself. I’m still gonna be happy. I’m still going to do things that I enjoy. I’m still going to go out and live my life and show love to myself because I do love myself enough to do that self care. You know what I’m saying? To to take the time to treat myself special or in the way that I want to be treated, regardless of what my partner or boyfriend or girlfriend is doing.

Sherley [00:24:40] That goes along the line of when you see people like you make me whole.

Kira [00:24:45] No, no, don’t say that. I don’t like it. I cannot stand that. And I know I remember when I was trying to write my vows. We wrote our own vows for our wedding. That whole thing was so popular. Like you complete me. You make me whole like my guys, like I wanted to throw up and like, this is not the responsibility of another person to make you feel complete. Your spouse or your partner isn’t added benefit is an extra, you know, cherry on top of the sundae. They’re not the whole sundae. You’re the whole sundae. Whereas with or without them, it’s like I want people to find the value in themselves and making decisions like you were saying, you you were making decisions early on that would be based on if he would be happy if this is going to make him happy. It’s like no make decisions based on you, even when you’re married. Like, there is a fine line where, you know, you’re obviously always going to think about this other person because you are one. Right. But at the same time, I’m still an individual person and Kira. Is still has to be happy outside of her husband, outside of what my husband is doing or is not doing. I still have to find my own happiness and I still have to love myself each day. Always easy. No.

Sherley [00:25:59] Do those words bother me as much? No, I’m just shirlee them. But I will tell you what word that bothers me. He or she would never. When I hear that, I cringe.

Kira [00:26:11] Often they don’t watch enough investigation discovery to say stuff like that.

Sherley [00:26:16] And just what what life have you been living to say that he or she would never. Those words should never even come out of your mouth.

Kira [00:26:25] We all change you. We all change over time and if you’ve been a relationship for five plus years, you have totally changed from year one to where you are a year five to where you are. You’re 10 now. All the changes and for the good, some of it is not always great, but you’re never going to be the same person you are when you first started that relationship. Hopefully not because you’ve grown. There may be circumstances and things that happen in your relationship that may cause some thing that you thought that he would never do that he’ll do or that you’ll do.

Sherley [00:26:55] And I think that’s one reason why I stopped posting like fluffy little couple posts about Kalief and myself, not because I didn’t want to broadcast who I was in love with. Social media can be very debilitating and crippling in this time when people are especially are going through something in their relationship or they’re having a tough time. And then you see somebody who posts a picture and they’re all happy and bubbly with their partner. It can be challenging when you’re going through that tough time, when you’re trying to love them, when they’re trying to love you and you allow that to cripple you.

Kira [00:27:37] You know what I was just thinking the other day when I was scrolling through my Facebook, I’d like to see the happy post. I like to see the relationships. Sometimes I may roll my eyes because I have to look at it like every single day you and your boyfriend or you and your husband. But it’s cute to me in a way that it makes me happy that that person is happy. I like the pregnancy announcements. The gender reveals. I mean, I, I have mixed feelings about them, but the happy stuff, it doesn’t bother me. Even when I was going through my own stuff and I was not feeling happy in my relationship. I think, though, that what happens is we get to a place of comparison and we start feeling like, well, why isn’t my relationship that happy? And then it can make you feel badly. But if you just look at it for just just a happy couple. But the other thing is we don’t show the bad stuff. Right. Why would you. So the bad stuff. So, like, yeah, I’m having a happy date right now, so I want to take pictures and show you that I’m on my date and I’m all dressed up and I’m cute, but I’m not showing you that. We were arguing two days ago about God knows what it’s like. I can’t stand this person right now. We don’t show. We don’t share that part.

Sherley [00:28:48] No, we don’t. Which I don’t see as what happens behind closed doors, which I don’t see, is the bad things that we may do to each other. Of course, I have a blog. I’m transparent about certain parts of my life. Be mindful you’re getting about one percent of my life whom I want to help others. You know, posts that you had sent me with Jada Pinkett when she did the red table talk.

Kira [00:29:14] Yeah.

Sherley [00:29:15] She made a good comment about what I decide to share has nothing to do with what society thinks. It’s my healing. Exactly. This is a healing process for me. So, you know, some people might think of it negatively that I’m putting my business out there. Others might be like, oh, my God, this is great. Again, why should it matter? This is part of our healing. And what I choose to do and the decisions I choose to make should not affect you that much. You take the good that works for you. You weed out the bad and you don’t care about the stuff that you don’t care about.

Kira [00:29:47] From the standpoint of a believer what I call those are testimonies, right? What you’ve been through and what you’ve overcame and taking the time to be vulnerable and share that with other people is a testimony. And I think that when we share testimonies, it’s not necessarily only for our own healing, but it’s for us to be able to help someone else so they can see the light at the end of the tunnel. OK. So she went through this. I didn’t even know she was going through all that right then. And look how good she came out on the other side of it. I feel like it’s important to share things that we’ve been through because you never know how it’s gonna bless someone else who never know how it’s going to encourage someone else, how it’s going to help someone walk through their situation. Now, I’m careful, too, to understand that my marriage includes another person. So there are things that I may share and things that I will not share out of respect for him. Right.

Sherley [00:30:39] Absolutely.

Kira [00:30:39] Because also my marriage is sacred. So I’m not going to tell everything that’s going on. This is a sacred relationship between us and between God. So there is a fine line of like sharing. But there’s also a point of like I have to tell people that I overcame this. You know what I’m saying? And that and I tell you all the time, like where I am today is not where I was 10 months ago. We’re almost out a year at my whole blow up and I’m still in the process of healing. But I’m. I could have told you that I would be where I am today back then. But if I didn’t share it with anyone, if I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. Even the net this negative stuff, I wouldn’t have had the resources, the ability to learn how to love myself, first of all. And then to just get over it, to move into a place of forgiveness, which is, you know, what we talked about last week or last episode and what we talked about in previous episodes about forgiveness and moving forward. But, yeah, the testimony is so important and it’s so special.  It is a social media aspect of it. I have I hear both sides. I mean, now I don’t obviously post about it. I don’t share pictures of me or my husband anymore.  That’s for other reasons. But I don’t mind looking at it. I love to see the happy stuff. It makes me feel happy that other people are happy.

Sherley [00:32:01] Yeah. The happy posts are good as human beings. We don’t want to compare. If you are having a tough time in your relationship, that alone will alter your mindset. And that’s going to be hard.

Kira [00:32:13] Yeah, it’s hard. It is hard. And in that case, if you’re someone who can’t, I guess, handle that, maybe you need to take a social media break, which is totally fine. Fill up your time with something else. Fill up your time that you’ll be scrolling with, reading some books, going for a walk. Yeah, I’m self care. I mean, there’s other things to do.

Sherley [00:32:32] You’re absolutely right. Until you’re in that good mindset where that stuff is not going to alter your thinking. Because if someone’s happiness is altering your thinking in such a way, then you need to regroup. It is so sad to me on the inside when people are going through stuff in their relationship because life is so hard as it is from just being a human being, waking up, being a mom, working, running your business, doing Jesus. And then now they have really huge problems. Yesss. So, you know, I want to see people’s happiness. Yeah. It’s just don’t compare people’s happiness to yours because you just don’t know the behind the scenes stuff of what people going through. You have no idea.

Kira [00:33:15] And you don’t know the journey of what they went through to get to where they are. Knowing the five love languages is really important and how you’re going to express love to your partner, how you’re going to receive love, because that’s what’s going to give you the longevity.

Sherley [00:33:30] Absolutely. Absolutely. So we’re going to wrap up today. Just to do an overview of what we covered. Do you know how your partner wants to be loved? So make sure you take that test. The link is going to be at the bottom. Be genuine when taking the test. You don’t want to give false results.

Kira [00:33:48] And if you want to go deeper. Definitely get the book.

Sherley [00:33:50] Definitely get the book. And there’s also a devotional book that, you know, you could read every year over and over. It’s 365 days and it covers various different things when you’re in a relationship. And the last one is, do you love yourself? Always remember. Take care of yourself. Your happiness is Kira. We both agree is important because if you’re not happy, how can you have a good unified relationship if you are troubled yourself, take care yourself to yourself care. Do whatever it is to maintain your sanity, whatever that may be, because it will project into your relationship that cup spill over. If you don’t focus on yourself and take care of yourself. So we want to thank you for listening today. As always, loved yourself. voice yourself, be yourself until the next podcasts. Talk to you soon. Bye bye.

 

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